Prodigal

Guest Post by Renee Haken

When I was in my twenties, my boyfriend and I ran off to California. I had grown up in a loving Christian home. I had surrendered my life to Jesus. Yet, I ran. I ran in the direction I wanted to go, to what I thought was good for me and my life. As I ran, God was right there with me. He was patient with me. He opened my eyes to see what he wanted for me, opened my eyes to see His good for me, and lovingly and tenderly wooed me back to himself. His good was so much better than the life I had been chasing.

Fast forward…married with three boys. I sat my boys down one day. They were teenagers and I told them the story of God’s grace and mercy in my life. I shared the experience of running away from God, coming back to Him, his forgiveness and his great love for me, for them.  

It was beautiful to be walking with the Lord. God filled me with incredible joy. Yet…I often felt a distance between God and me. I knew he had welcomed me back with wide open arms. I knew as far as the east is from the west I had been forgiven. I knew that though my sins were like scarlet, in Him they were white as snow.

My mind knew all of that, but my heart questioned how I let myself wander so far? The question came often. I began thinking I was not worthy to be as close to God as I could be if I hadn’t wandered away from him. I began thinking God loved me less. While I knew in my mind that wasn’t true, my heart didn’t believe it. 

In this wrestling, God started me on a journey of understanding the schemes of the enemy and the battle that wages around us, every day. We have an enemy whose sole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy and who is livid when we put our trust in Jesus and begin to follow him (John 10:10). The enemy doesn’t want anyone to be in a close relationship with God and he uses a myriad of tactics to erode our relationship with God.  One of his tactics is getting people to believe lies. The enemy told me the lie that God loved me less, that there was distance between us, and I fell prey to his lie.

The enemy wants to wreak havoc in our lives, to tear us down, to defeat our spirits, to tie us up in knots, to render us as ineffective as possible. He is cunning and deceptive.   Jesus said the enemy is a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44). Jesus wants to open our eyes to the enemy’s schemes. He wants us to know He is the way, the truth, and the life. He wants us to know we are created in His image, we are loved, that he is chasing after us, after our hearts, to experience freedom, healing, forgiveness and life in Him.  

Jesus paid a great price so we could be one with him and the Father. He does not want anything to come between us. We are his image bearers and he has given us authority over the enemy. God told us, “Take your stand against the devil, resist the enemy, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7). When the enemy attacks, we can tell him to leave, in Jesus’ name.  

Knowing Jesus has given me authority over the enemy, knowing God’s heart for me, living free, what a difference this has made in my life. This is what our Father wants for us in increasing measure. He said, “…I have come that they might have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Have I got this all figured out? No. There is so much to learn, but God is with us. He is Immanuel. He walks beside us, leading us, guiding us, directing us.

I encourage you to ask God if there is anything creating distance between you and him, to reveal if there are any lies from the enemy you might be believing, to reveal any tactics the enemy might be using to come between you and God in your life. Ask him to help you recognize the attacks of the enemy, to recognize when he is attempting to steal, kill, and destroy in your life. I am excited for you in your journey, and I pray God will show you how much you are loved by him and how much he desires for you to be one with him.

Renee is a beautiful friend of mine whose heart and faithfulness inspire me. Thank you Renee for sharing your story. What a gift you are to all who know you and have the privilege of journeying with you. Thank you for allowing yourself to be a vessel used so fully by Him and for Him.

The purpose of this blog is to share the transforming and life-changing love of Jesus. Every story matters. If you feel a pull to share your story, the stories from the past and those that are still being written, I would love to hear it. Simply email blog@calvarylg.com.

Hope

Our world is broken. I don’t know a soul who hasn’t felt the weight of this last year, two years, five years. But I’ll be honest, the depth and darkness of the brokenness have had my mouth drop open in stunned silence on a near-weekly basis. As a mom of teens that shock is not slowing down, rather it seems to be picking up. And for once I don’t say that in a joking “raising teens is hard” manner. The world our kids live in is brutal. It is dark, it is ugly, it is ruthless, it is in their faces, it is constant. 

I have two very close friends who have teens the same age as mine. Week after week one of us is sharing a story that brings tears to our eyes and a pit in our stomachs. Our teenagers are in pain. They are facing eating disorders, anxiety, depression, suicide, fear, anger, and that’s not a full list. As adults, we all remember being teens, and it wasn’t like this. It simply wasn’t. Last week my friend and I both held one another up, locked in shock at what each of our kids was facing, struggling on what to do. Knowing we cannot protect our kids from what they’re going through. We cannot stop it from happening. Trying desperately, frantically, to figure out how to help our kids, shoving down our own fear and pain and guilt over what they’re going through, fighting the denial and truth that it’s out of our hands.

I don’t say that lightly, that it’s “out of our hands”. But the reality is, I cannot keep my children from the darkness of this world. It is around them. It’s around all of us. It’s a terrifying reality. Last week, as the darkness of the world entered our home and children’s lives, at a loss for what to do, I went to God. Tears falling, hands shaking, seeking His wisdom, “God, what do I do? How do you see this? What do you want me to do?” I felt him speak to my heart. “There is always hope. There is always help. You can’t be with them at all times, but I AM with them. Your job is to lift your eyes, surrender, and trust.” 

Friends, the peace that overcame me as I felt God guide and comfort, is a peace only he could give. The circumstance we’re in does not warrant any peace. Without God, there would be fear, worry, panic. Those emotions still show up, but in seeking God, in going to Him in prayer, seeking His wisdom in His Word and His voice, he brings light, hope, His power, and peace into the situation. I cannot keep my children from the darkness and brokenness of this world, but I can point them to the one who brings hope when all feels hopeless. A practical way I’m doing that is looking at hope in the Bible. There’s an incredible resource called BibleProject, that has studies and videos on topics from the Bible. My kids like it (as do I) because they break it down in a way that’s easy to understand and gives context and meaning. Plus, there are videos. So at night, we take twenty minutes as a family and go through part of the study. The hope study can be found here.

I want my children to know they are loved. I want them to know God has a plan and purpose for their lives. I want them to know God is a God of miracles, of making a way when a way doesn’t exist. That no matter how dark, broken, hopeless things may seem, God is not done. There is light, there is hope, there is a new day ahead, every day. I want the same for you. If you find yourself struggling, if you want to learn more about this hope, I encourage you to take a step towards Jesus today. You can click here to learn more about Jesus, check out the study on hope above, or if you’d like to join us for prayer and even be prayed over, join us Friday mornings at 8:30. 

Blessing you with hope and peace in Jesus.

Mess

I remember as a child, sitting in the back seat of my mom’s car with my mom, sister, and me all headed to church. My sister and I were fighting over who knows what and my mom was ticked. While driving I remember her trying to reach an arm behind her seat to smack my leg, but I had moved myself to the side of the car where she couldn’t reach me. She was furious, I was miserable, I can only imagine my sister felt the same. We got to church, and our mom told us to pull ourselves together. We were to act as though nothing had happened. It was just one more item on my list of why I disliked church.

The notion of being fake, of pretending like everything was ok, while we went to church made no sense to me. At the core of it were two issues. 

1.     I don’t do well with fake. 

2.     If church is a place where I’m supposed to meet God, the one who knows and sees everything, why on earth were we trying to pretend our lives weren’t a mess? 

I don’t know about you, but my life feels like a mess, and always has been a mess. Every day there’s what I have planned and what actually happens. Rarely are the two even close. Stress and chaos inevitably enter the day. Some of the things I face are small, others are serious and stressful. If going to church meant I had to have my life pulled together, or even pretend like I had it pulled together, I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t be allowed in. 

If I’m honest, it goes far beyond church. If going to God required any goodness on my part, I wouldn’t be able to speak his name. On my very best day, I fall short. I get frustrated, stressed, selfish, prideful, tired. I miss the mark and I know it. The other morning, I went to Jesus in prayer, laying out all the things I couldn’t stand about myself, all the areas I’d failed. It’s not as if he doesn’t know them.

How did Jesus respond? How did the one who knows every thought I think, every dark spot in my life, respond to my confession? I felt him lovingly look at me, at all the brokenness, all my failings, and lovingly speak to my heart “I love you. In me, you’re clean. In me, all those mistakes, all those flaws, they’re washed away. You’re mine. You are whole and made new in me. Will you receive it?”. 

His love washed over me. I stopped feeling weighed down by all my mistakes, all the areas where I got it wrong. I was filled with his love, renewed, ready to tackle another day knowing I was going to get it wrong again, but that I was loved. Jesus was not looking for me to be perfect, to have my life in order or the messes cleaned up. He wanted me to know who I was in Him and to live out a life of love as best as I can. He’s there to make all things new. He’s there to love us through all the mess. What he wants is our hearts, for us to go to him, to receive his love for us, to see ourselves and others as he sees us. 

Friends, church is meant to be a hospital. Where all of us who are broken come together, encourage one another, where we bring our brokenness to the one who makes all things new. If you’ve never experienced this, I encourage you to join us for our Friday morning prayer and church on Sunday. We’d love to meet you, to walk through life with you, to pray with you and over you if you’d like. I’m not perfect. I mess up, every day. Our church is not perfect. But we invite you to join us in the journey. A journey of ordinary people, broken people, doing our best to love others as Jesus loved us. You are welcome here.

Action Items

I used to think faith was incredibly boring. I grew up Catholic going to church every Sunday. I never wanted to go, and my sister and I preferred the 7:30am service because it didn’t have singing which meant service was 45 minutes instead of an hour. Faith to me = church on Sunday. It meant believing in God and Jesus. That was it. Little did I know, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As I mentioned in part 1 of this post, when the “beautiful life” I designed fell apart, I let Jesus take over, and I quickly learned two things. What I thought was beautiful, what I thought was a full life, was actually pretty empty. At least in comparison to what Jesus has to offer. And when I let him take the lead, I found myself living a life that was more full, more alive, more unexpected, more humbling in the best possible way.

For 40 years, I put myself in charge. (My parents will attest to this.) My goals and dreams, my plans directing every step. I don’t remember the day I started taking direction from God, but I remember how. I would get these little nudges to send a text or a song to a friend. A person’s name would just pop into my head, someone I knew but wasn’t necessarily in my inner circle, and I would text with something like “I was listening to this song and your name popped. Thought I would share. Hope you’re having a wonderful day!”. Then I would receive a response, “Oh my gosh. You have no idea. You sent that at the exact moment I needed it. Thank you.” This would happen again and again. 

I began to recognize a pattern. A name would come to mind out of nowhere. Along with a name was either a song I was listening to, a book I was reading, or an encouraging thought. I would send it to the person and consistently the person would be experiencing something at the same time I sent the message. I knew it wasn’t me. I had no knowledge of what was going on in my friend’s lives. I was just living my life, I’d get a nudge, I’d follow through, and that was that. Then a friend said, “You are really in touch with the Holy Spirit”. Friends, I didn’t even know what that meant. I was texting people that came to my mind because I didn’t have a reason not to. My friend spotted what I hadn’t recognized - God was putting action items into my day. He was the one prompting me with the who, the what, and the when.

As I continued to step into this with God, he began to change it up, giving me a who and a when but not what. The name of a friend would come to mind suddenly with no other context. When that happened, I would reach out and say “Hi! Your name came to mind and I just wanted to check-in and see how you’re doing?” I would receive texts back almost immediately with “How did you know?!”. The person would be going through something, needing a friend and more importantly, prayer. God was using me as his partner, to give encouragement and support to others. What’s amazing is that the more I stepped into it, the more opportunities God gave me. The promptings/action items came daily.

Friends, I’m not special. My relationship with God, hearing his voice, receiving action items from Him, it’s not a gift He’s given me. This is all available to you. He has created you, LOVES you, and designed you to hear His voice. What may be unique to you is how you hear from him. It may be through songs, through nature, in dreams, through prayer. A surefire way to hear Him is through His word. The Bible is living and active and reading the Bible regularly is the best way to get to know God and to be able to test that what you hear is God. God will never contradict His word. We have another post on hearing his voice along with an experiment you can try here. I encourage you, press in. If he prompts you to reach out to a friend, I encourage you to do it and see what happens. God will guide. God will speak. And it is awesome!!

Blessing you with hearing his voice and God’s action items in your day.

Life in the Fast Lane

When I look at my life, there’s a clear separation line. Before 40 | After 40. And not just because carbs had to be a thing of the past, but because of how God came through, invaded my life and heart in such a way, life has never been the same. At 40, when the life I’d chosen for myself came to a crashing halt, I decided to quit trying to drive the car and as the cheeseball expression goes “let Jesus take the wheel”. I don’t know about you, but that expression brings to mind an old two-door car driving down a country road. What I’ve come to realize, is when Jesus has the wheel, it’s not on a slowpoke car moseying its way down the road. It’s attached to a supercharged race car. One that comes with a 5-point harness and a helmet.

You may be thinking, “how is this woman comparing her faith to a race car?”. I get it. It sounds a little nuts. Three things that have made this analogy a reality:

1.     Faith moved from a belief to a relationship.

2.     God speaks. As I ask him to guide my day, he not only takes me up on the offer, he places me out of my comfort zone 99.7% of the time. 

3.     The more available I make myself, the more he takes me on the race of my life.

I grew up believing in God. But that’s all it was. I believed He was there, he listened to my prayers, and would occasionally answer them. (My prayers a wish list of what I wanted to happen in my life and of course, I knew best.) At 40, when my life was flipped upside down, God put people in my life who knew what it was like to be in relationship with Him and taught me all the ways God was looking to speak with me. How prayer was meant to be a conversation, just like talking to a friend. How my dreams, and in particular my reoccurring nightmares, were actually God letting me know there were things in my heart that were hurting and he wanted to talk to me about them, to take the pain and heal me. I learned the Bible was alive and active. That it wasn’t simply a book, but rather God’s living word that God would use to speak to me. 

Realizing God’s plan, His desire, was to have conversations with me and be in relationship with me blew my mind. And yet the evidence was there. I pressed in. I went to Him in prayer and made space for God to speak. I would ask a question and wait for Him to respond. God, you’re pointing out in your word “let not your heart be troubled”. What do you want me to know? What are you saying to me about this? What’s amazing, listening to God and hearing his voice wasn’t a strain. His voice often came immediately, almost before I finished asking the question. What he was showing me in the Bible, the words/phrases he was having stand out more than the other text, was a conversation starter. He was inviting me into a conversation he wanted to talk to me about.

Friends, having conversations with God is awesome. One. In my experience, God has been funny. I think this is probably one of the most surprising things I’ve experienced with him, humor. I remember I was having a long day with the kids and exasperated, lifted my eyes and asked “God, is it always going to be this hard?” Immediately I heard “No. One day they’ll go to college.” Friends, I immediately started laughing. God didn’t miss a beat in answering this one. And as only God can do, he speaks truth and does it in love and sometimes with a wink. Two. God is love. His voice is the most wonderful, loving, encouraging voice you will ever hear. When I say there’s nothing better, I honestly mean it. I’ve never left a conversation with God feeling anything other than better than I was before the conversation. His voice anchors me, fills me with love, gives me peace and purpose that simply don’t exist outside of those conversations.

So as not to make this blog post too long, I’ll save the stories about taking me out of my comfort zone and the race of my life for the next post. In the meantime, I encourage you, carve out some time today and enter into conversation with God. He speaks. I promise. I give you my word. But so much more important than my word, is God’s word. In it, you’ll find again and again that God speaks. As you enter into prayer with Him, trust that He’ll speak to you in a way that you can hear him. He may give you a picture in your mind, a song, a verse from scripture, or it may sound like your own voice or thoughts in your head. He created you, knows you intimately, and wants to speak His love over you. He will speak to you in the perfect way for you to hear him. He wants to be in relationship with you and change your life in the most joyful, profound way.

For more resources on hearing God’s voice, two books we love are Can you Hear me? Tuning into a God who speaks by Brad Jersak and Prayer by Timothy Keller.

Blessing you with joyful, wonderful, abundant conversations with our Father.

One Thing

My husband and I have five kids. The oldest started his freshman year of college this year. In the next four years, three more will turn 18 and their “adult lives” will begin. I’m acutely aware the time to teach and shape them while they’re in our home and care is running out. When you’ve got a limited amount of time to get things done, you start to prioritize. What is the one thing I want them to know? What is the life skill that’s most important? When they’re faced with a big decision, when they’re hurting, when they’re lost, when they’re far away and living their lives, what do I want them to know? What do I wish I’d known? If you’re anticipating the answer is God, it’s not. I want them to know God speaks and how to hear His voice.

My children know who Jesus is. They’ve accepted him into their lives and for that, I’m eternally grateful. But as a parent trying to teach life skills to make it through this broken world, that’s not enough. Accepting Jesus into your life does not transform your life. Knowing Him does. Hearing His voice and guidance does. Growing up, no one ever told me God speaks. As an adult, when I started reading the bible, somehow my eyes skipped over all the places it says “God spoke”. I just assumed that was what He did in biblical times, not what He does today. 

I’ve since come to know and experience; God does in fact speak. More than that, he wants to speak. He wants to share his heart, encourage, guide. He wants to take my life, our lives, and reveal the best path forward. He wants to live life with us. And the thing is, He knows everything. He knows what’s ahead, how each of our choices works out, what’s best for our lives, for our hearts.

Friends, as I imagine is true for you, our family is going through a lot. There are serious situations we’re in the midst of. They are not the light things of this life but the very real, stressful, terrifying things of this life. We’ve been up against so much I’ve found myself throughout the day, every day, going to God asking “God, how do you see this? What do you want me to know? What do you want me to do?”. Because the truth is, the problems we’re facing are too big for me. They are out of my control. On my own, I would be a giant mess. Afraid, stressed, angry, lost. Those are human emotions, they’re real, and I absolutely feel them. But it’s what I’ve learned to do next that has changed my life.

I go to God. My routine is to get up early, while the house is still quiet, sit at my kitchen counter, and close my eyes. I will see in my mind a picture of God on the throne, and he invites me up to sit with him. A child with her Father. Sometimes when I’m depleted, sad, feeling as though I have nothing left, I simply rest my head on him and feel His loving arms around me. His comfort and the assurance everything is going to be ok, that the Creator is in full control. Often, I will begin our conversation asking Him “Is there something you want me to know?”. Or I might ask “What’s on your heart?”. Because He’s God, he knows what’s on my heart and always goes straight to what’s weighing on me. 

He tells me how he sees the situation. This morning, when I asked him about one of my kids, he answered me with a question “Do you remember what I’ve told you about him? Do you remember the promises I’ve made?” He reminds me of His promises, both in His Word and what I’ve heard Him speak to me in prayer. I have a conversation with God and tangibly feel my heart change. The fear and stress are lifted. In its place are hope, confidence, and even joy. That God has a plan. That He is working things out. That his promises do not fail. And then God gives me actionable guidance. I like to ask Him what do you want me to start doing? Stop doing? Continue doing? And then I get His responses. There is no greater joy than having your life directed by God. I don’t have a better way of expressing it other than joy.  

As I look to the time I have left with my kiddos in the house, this is where I will continue to focus, on teaching them to hear God, to sit with God, to be in a relationship with God. If you’d like more resources on how to hear His voice, two books we love are Prayer by Timothy Keller and Can you Hear Me? Tuning to the God who Speaks by Brad Jersak.

Blessing you with pressing in and experiencing conversations with God.

Rumor

Being a Christian isn’t easy. Somehow and at some point, a rumor went around that believing in Jesus meant your life was supposed to be easy and only good things were supposed to happen. At least that’s what I believed. A ridiculous math equation I made up where: 

God is good + I believe in God =  my life will be good (without pain & struggles)

What’s amazing, my children have come to believe this rumor, even though it’s never been taught in our home. In the last year, my sweet baby boy has had trouble sleeping. It worries him. I encouraged him we should pray on it, that God will help. This past weekend he was at his dad’s house and after a night of not sleeping well, he texted me angry with God. “God didn’t answer my prayer. Shocker.” He felt let down by God and was angry with him. Back to the math equation now rewritten based off his unanswered prayer:

I believe in God + my life is not good = God is good (?)

His prayer wasn’t answered. He asked for help with something he’s struggling with. “If God is a good God, why didn’t he answer the prayer? It must mean God doesn’t care, or God doesn’t care about me, or God isn’t good.” I think if we’re honest, we can all identify with my little one’s raw feelings. In my pain, I’ve come to God angry and hurt asking “why? Why do I have to face this horrible situation? Why do I have to experience this pain? Why God?”. 

Here’s what I can tell you and what I told my son. God does not cause our pain. God is good. He is only good. He loves us, to a depth we will never understand. We tend to forget we live in a broken world. God never promises our lives will be easy. In fact, he tells us in His word that, make no mistake, we will have trouble. But to take heart, for he has overcome the world. (John 16:33). In that same verse he also promises us his peace. The peace isn’t automatic. It requires us going to him, inviting him into the situation, giving him our pain and asking for his peace. Friends, I’ve never come back empty. It’s the best exchange and Jesus always delivers. It hasn’t always been in my timing, because I want everything handled yesterday. But again and again, he gives me his peace despite the struggles, the unresolved situations, the unanswered questions and the not yet answered prayers. The equation I know to be true: 

God is good + I believe in God =  I am loved. I am His.

That last part of the equation…friends, it’s everything. When we are His, that is the best answer we could ever hope for. Because it truly means everything will be ok. No matter what we face. No matter how great the pain, it will be ok because we are His. We are saved. Our forever is with Him. So while we will have trouble in this world, everything will truly be ok. Better than ok, as we have peace available to us in the midst of our pain and while we live in this broken world. 

If you’re going through a hard time, I encourage you to go to Jesus today, invite him in. A simple prayer you can pray: Jesus, I am hurting. I need your help. I don’t want to carry this pain any longer. Will you take this from me and bring me your comfort and your peace? In Jesus name, Amen.

If we can be praying for you, we’d be honored to do so. Simply email blog@calvarylg.com and we will join you in seeking His peace and resolution to whatever you may be facing.

Blessing you with peace and hope in Him.

Spinning

Guest Post by Joy Yankey

Throughout this pandemic season, my mind has spent way too much time spinning. I have allowed the “what if’s” and maybes to run rampant. My coping mechanism is to avoid and shut down. So instead of dealing with my emotions honestly before God and others, I choose solitaire, sudoku, food and/or a Netflix show. And while none of these in and of themselves are bad, my heart knows when I’m choosing them instead of sitting honestly with Our Father.

Last week I found myself in that place again. Overwhelmed with concerns and decisions for and around declining elderly parents, and my granddaughter and son-in-law being diagnosed with Covid, I listened to my fears and allowed them to take hold. Then I shamed myself for stressing over these small issues compared to our Afghani sisters and brothers running for their lives and those who have wildfires in their backyards. And while I did reach out to a couple friends to pray, I once again chose to fritter away my time with mindless activities rather than sitting with God in all my heartache.

But God had other plans. Friday mornings at Calvary are a sweet time where several of us gather in the worship center to worship and pray together. We start our time in worship: music playing over a speaker as we spend time praising our Father. Later we come together and pray out loud for Calvary, for our world, for whatever the Spirit lays on our hearts. These planned times of corporate prayer help realign our hearts to His as we praise Him and bring our burdens to Him. As our time that morning was wrapping up with only a few of us remaining, a dear friend reached over and said they wanted to specifically pray over me and my family. I proceeded to weep while these three prayed for me and for those so near and dear to my heart. 

God reminded me in those moments that I’m not alone (which I know but I constantly need that reminder!), that I have brothers and sisters in Christ who want to link arms with me, pray with and for me, that none of us are meant to carry our burdens alone, and that I need accountability. Why do I so quickly fall for and listen to the lies of the enemy saying that it’s all on me, it’s my fault, I should be able to handle it myself, or that others are too busy? 

When others are vulnerable and share their heartaches with me, I am honored and want to lift them to Our Father. In the same way I want to grow in my vulnerability, more quickly inviting others to walk alongside me. This is Church: brothers and sisters walking together through celebrations and heartaches, coming together so no one journeys alone. I pray that we the people of Calvary will grow in our listening, love, and vulnerability with and for one other, allowing others into our tender places so that we, the body of Christ, will grow and be strengthened. 

We would love to have you join us on a Friday morning for worship and prayer! We meet at 8:30am in the Worship Center. If you would like to be added to our Friday prayer email, receive a weekly reminder and prayer requests, simply email prayer@calvarylg.com. 

Joy is a precious friend and fellow staff member. Both sharing a heart for prayer, she was one of the first people I met when God led me to Calvary. Thank you Joy for your courage, your vulnerability, and most of all your heart. The purpose of this blog is to share the transforming and life-changing love of Jesus. Every story matters. If you feel a pull to share your story, I would love to hear it. Simply email blog@calvarylg.com.

Healing Through Cancer

Guest Post by Jan Yount

It all started when I noticed a lump in my breast. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. It had only been nine months since my last mammogram. After a short time, I decided I should get it checked out. The doctor immediately sent me to get it tested. While I was getting the biopsy, the radiologist noticed the lymph node under my arm was also swollen. I was incredibly upset. I thought if you got regular mammograms, you would be protected from breast cancer that spread to the lymph nodes. I was told I would get the results of my biopsies in a couple of days. After four of the longest days, I finally got the results. It was breast cancer and had spread to the lymph nodes.

A new chapter of my life started as I walked through the doors of Stanford Cancer Center. The first doctor I met with told me I needed to begin chemotherapy treatment every three weeks. He advised I would lose all my hair, experience nausea, and would likely need to take a break from work. Once I completed chemotherapy, the next step would be a mastectomy. Hearing the news, I broke down in tears. I had recently lost my husband of 40 years to cancer. I watched him struggle through chemotherapy and it changed him. Not just his appearance, but his personality too. Our entire family struggled. I told the doctor I wasn’t going to undergo chemotherapy, that I would rather die. 

In search of an alternate treatment, I consulted with two other doctors before I found one that gave me another choice. One of the Stanford doctors worked with breast cancer trials. He told me I could start with antibodies to target the cancer cells. He indicated there were new drugs we could consider if this didn’t work. We agreed and moved ahead with his plan. As receiving antibodies by infusion is a time-consuming process, I found myself spending that time in prayer.

Fear was my constant companion. Hurting and afraid, I reached out to some friends at church. One advised not to go through this alone. Another called me and said God put it on her heart to put together a prayer team to regularly pray with me and for me. I quickly accepted this offer. This team got together about once a month and prayed over me. I have never heard such deep and faith-filled prayers. They believed God could heal me. The elders at the church also prayed over me.

Unfortunately, within weeks, I noticed the lump under my arm had grown. I went to my oncologist, and he said the tumor had increased in size and we needed to change the medication I was receiving. If I’m honest I was discouraged and frustrated. God had put a prayer team in place to pray over me. And yet my cancer was getting worse? I’ve now come to realize, what looked like a setback was actually a set-up for what God was about to do. In the very month my tumor increased in size, a new medication was approved for my specific type of breast cancer. This medication had few systemic side effects, no hair loss or personality change. The only catch? The medication was so new that insurance might not be willing to cover it. And yet, by the time I walked out of my doctor’s office and went to the scheduling desk, my insurance had approved the new drug, and I was sent directly to the infusion area to receive it. My tumor started shrinking immediately. 

I continued meeting with my personal prayer team monthly. God was taking me through a process. He was teaching me to trust him regardless of circumstance. He revealed there was more than cancer hurting me. I had wounds in my heart. I was carrying around fear. God was not only interested in healing my cancer, he wanted to heal all of me. 

The battle with cancer went back and forth. While my tumor shrunk, I started having pain in my leg. I was limping and the shooting pain seemed to take my mind off anything good. Again, I cried out to God. I noticed that though I was in pain, I had been healed of my fear. I learned how I could let go, and let God take control of this ugly illness. I trusted in Him. He is a good God, and he was there for me through it all.

The news continued to get worse before it got better. Doctors found my breast cancer had spread to my bones. The reason my leg was hurting, was cancer had weakened the bone and I was trying to walk on a broken leg. With the latest diagnosis, I was told I was in stage IV of metastatic breast cancer. The doctor didn’t even want to tell me how long I had to live, that while the cancer was treatable, it was not curable. I knew the prognosis for stage IV breast cancer was not good.

And yet…I continued praying with my prayer team. I continued to be healed physically and experienced healing in my heart. A broken relationship with my sister, through prayers of forgiveness for both me and my sister, was restored. The fear I’d been paralyzed by for so long was gone. Physically, the cancer in my lymph nodes disappeared. There was no longer any active cancer in my bones either. The tumor in my breast had shrunk by 50% allowing for it to be removed surgically. I underwent a mastectomy and radiation. They tested me after this, and there was no evidence of disease. They tested again, no cancer cells were found anywhere in my body. Separate tests were run on other areas of my body….no cancer.

God healed me in many ways during my cancer journey. Physically, I’ve had no active cancer for more than a year. Emotionally, the healing God provided is even greater. I walk with fresh priorities, amazed at who God is, how he called people to pray for me, how he answered those prayers, how he healed my heart and my body, how fully and generously he loves. I feel incredibly blessed that I can live like this and thank our powerful God every day for who He is, how he loves, and for every new day he gives.

Jan is a beautiful friend and fellow staff member. Thank you, Jan for sharing your incredible story. The purpose of this blog is to share the transforming and life-changing love of Jesus. Every story matters. If you feel a pull to share your story, I would love to hear it. Simply email blog@calvarylg.com.

Chasing Empty

Most of my life has been spent experiencing what the world has to offer. Until 40, having kids was as close as my life had come to feeling fulfilled and as though I was living out my purpose. If I’m honest though, even as a mom I still felt like I was chasing something but I couldn’t tell you what that was. It was as if there was something missing that I couldn’t quite put my finger on and was so busy I didn’t have time to figure it out.

I met Jesus at 40. It took my life falling apart in every way possible for it to happen. I had to lose everything to realize what I thought was “everything” was really nothing. (Thankfully my kiddos were not a part of the loss.) My life was so much less than it was meant to be. I thought it was full. I really did. By the world’s standards it was. I had all the things, marriage, career, home, travel. Even then, it wasn’t a remarkable life. It was a day after day life. There was a chase for more that was endless and empty. But I wasn’t willing to let it go. I wasn’t willing to stop chasing. I wasn’t willing to stop and figure out what that void, deep inside, was meant to be filled with. So, God allowed that life and that chase to come to a screeching halt so I could and would finally figure it out.

It took gut wrenching pain, despair, worry, fear, unknowns, for me to seek God. For me to search him with the question of “why?”. Which led to the first time I can recall hearing God speak to my heart. I was on a run, hurting and searching, and on the side of the road asking him with a desperate cry “Why? Why did you allow this to happen? What did I do wrong?”. I immediately heard what sounded like my own thoughts/voice in my mind “Because I want more for you. I have a different life planned for you. I want more for you than you want for yourself.” It was at that moment I put my hands in the air and surrendered my life. I told him “I’m out. You’re in charge.” And I meant it. 

I wasn’t strong enough to change my life on my own. To give up my way of living. So God allowed significant pain because that’s what it took in my life, to finally let go of the things that were leading down an empty path. I went to church and met Jesus. I felt his presence there and as I experienced him, I felt something begin to change in me. As I spent time pressing in, getting to know who Jesus was and is, I felt my heart fill with his love. The wounds in my heart from the people in my life were being healed by the love of Jesus. I learned to hear his voice. I began to experience Jesus. And that changed everything.

Jesus, Scripture, Prayer, Worship, Holy Spirit – they’re all alive and active. Jesus is alive and active and will speak to you, meet with you, be with you. As I read the bible, Jesus will have words and phrases that stand out. That’s his way of showing me he wants to enter into conversation and reveal something to me related to those verses. Prayer is a conversation where I ask Jesus “what do you want to reveal to me? What do you want me to know?” and he responds. Worship – one of my favorite things to do is to find time alone, play a worship song loudly, close my eyes and experience Jesus. I will feel His presence. My eyes will well with tears. Sometimes I’ll feel my body temperature rise where all of a sudden it feels hot. Friends, Jesus always shows up. Sometimes I need to sit and be patient. And the truth is, there are days I may not physically “feel” Jesus as I just described. He’s still there. 

Jesus wants to be with you. He wants to be in relationship with you and have conversations with you. But it is up to us to seek Him. We have to open our hearts and minds to him. It won’t just happen in your life. It won’t happen to you. His word promises “seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

Jesus is waiting for you to reach out to him. Right now, at this very moment, he wants you to know how much he loves you and he wants to tell you himself. I encourage you, today, take time to be with him. Read the Bible, listen to a worship song, and then sit with him in prayer. Ask him “Jesus, what do you want me to know?” The first words you hear, so often it will sound like your own thoughts in your mind, write them down. You can even ask “Jesus, is that you?”. Jesus’ voice is a voice of love. He will speak to you. If you have questions or would like additional resources on hearing his voice, simply email blog@calvarylg.com. A million distractions or reasons are likely to come up to keep you from experiencing Jesus. Please don’t let them. A minute with Jesus is better than a lifetime without. He will change your life in the most wonderful and incredible way.

Blessing you with experiencing the presence of Jesus today.

Chasing After You

I have a dear friend whose name is Anthony. I met him about a year and a half ago in the most unlikely of circumstances. I was out running and happened to be on a fairly busy street. Something caught my eye on the sidewalk and I stopped to take a look. I glanced up and saw a truck pulling over next to me. A man I didn’t know rolled down the window. At first, I was alarmed because it’s unusual for someone to pull over, stop, and talk to me. Immediately I felt God speak to my heart “I’m in this.”. I don’t know how the conversation started. I think he asked me something about running and I remember blurting out “I was praying while I was running and felt like God was showing me something.”. It was my explanation of why I was stopped on the sidewalk. Anthony said to me in a quiet voice “Oh, I thought you stopped because you saw I was a black man and didn’t want to make eye contact.”. Two things happened at that moment. 1. My heart sank at hearing his words and seeing the pain in his face. 2. I was being tapped by God. 

God had made an appointment for me that day that I didn’t know about. Anthony revealed he thought I was scared of him because he was a black man and I was a white woman. He thought that was the reason I stopped on my run. I was able to speak truth into that moment. I told him what I saw - a kind and wonderful man and the fact we had met meant one thing - God wanted him to know how deeply loved he was. Then I asked him if I could pray for him. He said yes and I prayed as I felt God guide – for Anthony to know how loved he was, blessing him and his family, thanking God for having the two of us meet. At the end, Anthony looked up and gave me the sweetest thank you. There’s something incredibly special that happens when God makes an appointment for you. He shows up. His presence is tangible. His love is present. Anthony and I both felt it, both smiling and feeling connected even though in reality we were two strangers who had just met on the side of the road.

Fast forward a year and a half. Anthony and I have run into each other about six times on that same road. They are God-appointed run-ins. I’m able to spot them as such because the circumstances are those only God could design. This last Sunday is a perfect example. On roughly 48 of 52 Sundays at 8:30 am, I am heading out the door to church. Last Sunday I had a cold. Stubborn runner that I am, I knew that while I shouldn’t be around other people, I could still run. So at 8:30, I headed out and as I ran down the busy street I heard a horn honking at me. I see my friend’s white truck pulled over and I knew it was my friend I hadn’t seen in many months. He tells me “I’m so glad I saw you. I’m leaving today, right now actually.” He was moving but wasn’t certain where he was going. He lives in an RV and had to find a new location/new city. What are the odds? Truly. I’m never home on Sunday mornings, let alone running. And yet this Sunday I was home, I was on a run, and I just so happened to run into my friend that I hadn’t seen in months the very moment he’s in his truck about to pull away.

God wanted Anthony to know how much he was loved. God wanted Anthony to know that while Anthony didn’t know where he was headed that day and where he was going to live, God did. God saw him. He saw his fear and worry. In his abundant love for him, God sent one of his children to go meet with him, to speak God’s love over him, to pray over him. And wouldn’t you know, at 1:04 that afternoon I received a text from my friend saying the prayers helped and he found a place he felt good about. He’s got my number and knows anytime he needs prayer, I’m here. 

I don’t know what you’re facing. I don’t know if you know Jesus, are angry with him, feel unseen by him, or even let down by him. What I do know, Jesus LOVES you. He sees you. He sees your pain. He is chasing after you to let you know just how much you are loved. That you are reading this right now, is just one of the ways he wants you to know how precious you are to him. Lift your eyes my friends. Lift them to the one who saves. He is the way maker. He is a miracle worker. He is the comforter. He is the one who no matter what you’re facing, can make a way for you, heal you, free you. Like my dear friend Anthony, I don’t want you to waste another minute thinking something about yourself that isn’t true. Believing a lie from the enemy meant to harm you that simply isn’t true. Will you meet with Jesus today? Meet the one who changes it all. Simply visit calvarlylg.com/jesus. If we can be praying for you, we would be honored to. Just click here and we will lift you up in prayer, today. 

You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.

 Blessing you with experiencing the love of Jesus today.

A Target Placed

There are some things we believe as children that are pretty harmless. Let’s take the Tooth Fairy. When I found out it wasn’t real (Grandma let the info slip), sure I was a little disappointed, but when my parents said they’d still give me candy & a dollar when I lost a tooth, the disappointment faded fast. Now the lie I believed that had far more serious repercussions, one I don’t know when or where it originated, is the lie that life is supposed to be easy. Somehow, we come to believe this early in age. When something hard hits, we ask the question, “why?”. Why do I have to go through this? Why is life so hard? Why does so-and-so have an easier life than me? And you want to know what I find fascinating? While life certainly had plenty of struggles my first four decades on this earth, it reached a whole new level the moment I started living for Jesus.

Now for those who don’t know Jesus, you may be saying “see, not only does this stuff sound boring, but now you’re telling me life is going to get harder if I follow this Jesus guy, and I should do it anyway? You people really are nuts.”. Stick with me friends. We know evil exists. The people in my life who don’t know Jesus wholeheartedly agree with me on this fact. They don’t have a source of the evil but take one look at the news and the evidence is there. But why would life get harder if you follow Jesus? 

When I asked my son this question, his response “because it’s hard to do the right thing.”. He’s not wrong. If we’re honest, our nature wants to do the wrong thing. We want to hold onto anger, retaliate, focus on ourselves. But that’s true whether we believe in Jesus or not. So why would life get harder when you follow Jesus? Here’s the answer – when you live for Jesus a target is placed on your back. Satan is real. He is the source of evil. He has an army. He took 1/3 of the angels with him when he fell from Heaven. Now Satan wants to destroy everyone. His goal is to “steal, kill and destroy.” (John 10:10). When you’re living in the world, you’re not a very interesting target to the enemy because you’re not a threat to him. But when you follow Jesus, when you live your life knowing who you are in Him, loved, forgiven, free, a daughter or a son of the King, you become a light for the Kingdom of God and a threat to Satan. And Satan hates that.

Now, honest confession, I believed in Jesus the full 40 years I was uninteresting to Satan. While I believed in Jesus, I wasn’t living for him. I was chasing the things of this world, my dreams, money, possessions, etc.. I wasn’t a threat to Satan. When that life came to a crashing halt and I realized my way of doing things ended in pain and loss, I put Jesus in charge. I decided I would seek Him to guide my life - where I worked, where I lived, if I found love again, it was in his hands. The target on my back was placed. Each step I took in my relationship with Jesus, going to church weekly, spending time with Him reading the Bible, trusting him with money and giving to the church, helping out at church, the target seemed to get bigger and the battles, if I’m honest, became more vicious. My kids would face harder situations, my health would suffer, issues with my ex would arise and become more intense. 

I imagine you’re asking, “again lady, none of this sounds good. Tell me why I would want to step into this?”. 

Reason 1. We don’t fight for victory against Satan. We fight from victory. Jesus defeated Satan when he died for our sins. Yes, we will face hard times in this life. That’s true whether we know Jesus or not. When we accept Jesus into our lives, we become “heirs with Christ”. We are sons and daughters of the King. It is in Jesus we are forever saved. No matter what Satan does, how many attacks he launches against you or your family, he can never take that away.

Reason 2. It’s worth it. There is peace, hope, joy, strength in Jesus that only exist with him. No matter what battles I’ve faced, and there have been many that have brought me to my knees, Jesus has seen me through. He has given me hope when all looked hopeless. In him I found strength when on my own I had nothing left. He has given me peace in the midst of suffering, knowing Jesus was there and he would make a way when a way didn’t seem to exist. 

I tell you all of this so you know what’s happening when you take those steps of faith. You will experience push back from the enemy. A target will be placed on your back. And if you invite Jesus in, you will see Him show up in every battle. He will see you through. He will take the brokenness, he will take the pain, and he will redeem it. He will restore you. He will give you hope, peace, joy. Indescribable, immeasurable, joy found in Him. If you haven’t met Jesus, I encourage you to meet him today by clicking here. If you know Him and want to take a step closer to him, I encourage you to visit here. Friends, as that target gets placed and the battles begin, please know you are not alone and weren’t meant to fight alone. We are here for you and to pray alongside you. Just email prayer@calvarylg.com and we will lift you in prayer, bringing the power of Jesus into the battles you face.

Blessing you with knowing who you are in Him.

Broken

Last week was a very special week for my youngest son and me. For the first time ever we took a trip, just the two of us. We were headed to Disneyland to celebrate his birthday and to say the two of us were excited would be a huge understatement. From the moment we got to the airport, my little love seemed to have a permanent expression of disbelief and joy on his face. Not because of where we were going, but because he had his mom all to himself and he got to call the shots. All of them. Where he wanted to eat, what he wanted to do, it was all up to him. The time was precious and both of our hearts were so full. Midway through our trip, having the time of our lives, I got the phone call. My oldest son had just walked through a painful experience and was hurting. It was bad. All of a sudden, I found myself with a heart that felt ripped in two for my oldest.

When our children hurt, there is a pain you feel that’s impossible to describe. It’s far worse than if the same experience happens to you. I believe in the absolute goodness of God. I know he is in complete control. So why, why did my son have to go through what he was going through? I was absolutely broken hearted. My emotions were all human. Hurt, angry, devastated for him. I found myself trying to shut down the pain and be present for my youngest to not steal from the experience I was trying to give him. But my mind would flash back to my oldest son and tears would stream down my face. I couldn’t sleep. The tears wouldn’t seem to stop. Thank the Lord for sunglasses that hid a good chunk of the tears from my youngest.

In times of great pain, when we are facing another of life’s trials, a war takes place between what I see with my eyes, with the evidence of what’s happening around us, and with my faith in who God is. My heart and emotions battle with my mind. I know who God is. I know He is good and loves my son more than I do, better than I do. The child I have the privilege of raising is God’s son more than he’s mine. And I know God knows the whole story. He knows every day of my son’s life from beginning to end. The prayers God has put on my heart to pray for my son – for his life to be full of joy, for his faith to be deep, for him to intimately know and be in relationship with Jesus, that the path to get there is not going to be the path I would choose for him. 

We know from our own lives, the deepest most transformative work, happens in the hard times. The trials we face, if we allow God in, can become the greatest blessings. Because of the pain God has allowed in my life, I’ve experienced joy I never would’ve experienced without it. In my pain, God stripped things out of my life that didn’t belong. He gave me freedom and peace and the joy of knowing him, of experiencing him. But what do you do when you’re in pain? What do you do in the midst of the battle when the evidence of what you’re seeing and experiencing seem to be greater than who you know God to be?

My 2-step plan of action: 1. Get people praying. I immediately reached out to my inner circle and asked them to pray. Long ago I asked God to provide people in my life who believed in the power of prayer. God has overdelivered. He’s blessed me with people I can share the raw and sometimes brutal truths of what we’re facing and with zero judgment, they join me in prayer. They are in invaluable gift from God. Step 2 – I go to God. Here’s what I know after journeying through many a trial with the Lord. He will work in my heart, but it can take time. In every situation, there is how I see it with my human eyes, and how God sees it. When I received the call about my son and for two days after, I was hurting for my son. I was experiencing the pain as a mom. I knew God was in it, that he allowed the pain, but my heart was broken and the question of “why?” was all my heart could seem to focus on.

Sunday morning I went to church about an hour before service began. From the moment I walked in, I could feel the presence of God. I knew God saw me and was with me. His daughter that was hurting. I found myself walking to the front of the church and kneeling down. The tears were falling and my hands had turned upwards, in a posture of both surrender and receiving. In my mind I saw a picture of my son and me giving my son to God. Releasing the situation into God’s hands. Surrendering and trusting God. I asked God, “what do you want me to know?”. I felt him speak to my heart. “What you see as an experience that pulled him further away from me is one I am using to draw him nearer. He is on the path to me.” Then I gave God my broken heart and God gave me a picture of Jesus with me, his eyes filled with compassion as he saw my grief over my son. Then he gave me the picture of being held in his arms, comforting me and taking the pain. Friends, as I left church that day, I felt my heart that had been broken as I walked into church, put back together and whole again as I left that day. The grieving ceased. I continue to hold onto the picture of my son one step closer to Jesus. My human eyes would never have seen or believed that to be the case. But through the eyes of Jesus, I not only see it, I know it to be true. 

Friends, what are you carrying, what battle are you facing where you need to see God’s perspective vs. your own? Would you be willing to give it to God and hear his voice of love and comfort tell you how he sees it? I encourage you to find a quiet space. I like to have a worship song playing in the background (“Goodness of God” was playing as I prayed on Sunday). From there, simply close your eyes and seek God in prayer. Ask him, “God, how do you see this?”. If you’re willing, imagine whatever situation you’re facing and give it to him. Ask him “God, as I give this to you, what do you want me to know? What will you give me in return?”. Then wait patiently for his reply. He will speak to your heart, it’s who he is and what he does.

If we can be praying for you, if we can be your prayer team, please know we’d be honored to do so. Simply email prayer@calvarylg.com and we’d be honored to lift you and your situation to him.

Blessing you with wholeness, peace and joy in Him. 

Jesus Speaks

As a child, I was plagued with nightmares both vivid and terrifying. I remember one where hundreds of spiders were crawling all over me. The dreams were scary and made me afraid to sleep for years. My childhood bedroom was near our family room where my dad would watch TV after I’d gone to bed. I found out later he would hear me cry out in my nightmares and would come to comfort me. One night, I had woken myself up from crying out and could hear my dad on his way to my room. For reasons unknown, I pretended I was asleep. What a gift that was. As he sat on the edge of my bed, I heard his voice, full of love, comfort me. Telling me it was going to be ok. That he was there and wasn’t going to let anything happen to me. More than feeling safe, I remember feeling so very loved. 

While I knew my dad loved me, there was something about hearing his voice speak that love over me, that has forever stayed with me. It changed how I felt about myself. As pain and difficult circumstances hit my life, there was a comfort and strength I found in knowing I was loved. Friends, this is what God offers us. God speaks. We see throughout the Bible that God speaks. He spoke to people in dreams, visions, prayer, and many times we see God speak as people were simply going about their day. There are two lies the enemy loves to speak, lies I’m willing to bet you’ve heard about hearing God. 

Lie #1: God doesn’t speak. 

Lie #2: You can’t hear him. 

I have a precious friend that just last week said to me, “I don’t hear from him like you do. I think God gave you a gift I don’t have.” I hate this lie from the enemy because it’s simply not true. I assured him it wasn’t a gift and he could hear him too. He looked at me and I could tell no part of him believed what I was saying. A few days later we sat down together in prayer. We invited Jesus into our prayer time, to speak to my friend. Sure enough, my friend heard from Jesus. And in that time, Jesus spoke to him about what only Jesus could. Wounds he was carrying from the past that Jesus didn’t want him holding onto. His wound was ten years old. He didn’t want it in his life anymore. Jesus, in his love and compassion, took that wound and healed it as only Jesus could do. He then spoke his love and encouragement over him. 

Jesus speaks. He knows your heart. He knows your pain and struggles. More than that, he wants to comfort you, encourage you, heal the wounds from your past and present. He wants you to know you are forgiven, you are loved, he sees you and is with you. Hearing his voice will change your life. He will speak to you every day, throughout the day, if you open your heart and your life to him and invite him in. 

If you don’t yet know Jesus, I encourage you to meet him today. Simply click here and meet the one who changes everything. For all, I encourage you to sit with him, speak to him and listen for his voice today. A simple exercise to get you started, carve out ten minutes today to sit with him. For many, it’s helpful to have a piece of paper and pen so that as you hear him, you can write down what you’re hearing before your mind has a chance to tell you it wasn’t him. It’s also very special to go back and read the beautiful words Jesus has spoken over you. From there, simply close your eyes and pray “Jesus, I want to hear your voice. I invite you in. Jesus, are you here?” You may either hear a voice that sounds like your own immediately respond or you might see the word in your mind. From there you can ask a second question “Jesus, what is it you love about me?” Wait and let him respond. I encourage you to write down what you hear. Another question I love to ask, “Jesus, what do you want me to know?”. If in this time, you hear anything negative or that contradicts scripture, that is not Jesus. We know he does not condemn. God is love and he longs to speak his love over you. If you have questions or would like additional resources, we’re here for you! Simply email blog@calvarylg.com.

Blessing you with the joy of hearing his voice.

Voice of Love

It was a month ago, almost to the day, when I experienced my first health miracle. A cyst that had been growing rapidly for years, that was likely leading to kidney removal surgery this summer, had shrunk. A few days later, another organ, showing precancer year after year for six years, had a clean bill of health for the first time ever. It was a sweet moment. Most certainly an answer to prayers and felt like a gift from our Heavenly Father. I was going to get a three-year break from ultrasounds, colonoscopies, biopsies. I had just one more exam at the end of June, a routine mammogram, and then I was done! Last Thursday I went in and that night received the results. Now I’m no stranger to having to go back because the radiologist didn’t have a clear x-ray. This time was different. They found something on the x-ray and more x-rays are needed to determine if a biopsy is needed. I thought to myself, “Seriously? Three weeks? Three weeks was all I had to not have to think about my health?”.

The following morning I went to God in prayer. More than a girlfriend or even my husband, God is who I go to to process what’s happening in my life. The truth is, I’ve learned when I try to process on my own, when I try to make sense of what’s happening without his guidance, it’s a mess. Without God there’s stress, worry, fear, fatigue, frustration, hopelessness. I needed God to give me the perspective I didn’t have. From my point of view, I was tired and frustrated.  Why more tests? Why health again? So I went to him. My first words were a confession. There’s something freeing about going to God and giving him your raw feelings. He knows what’s in our hearts. It’s not like I could hide from him that I was frustrated and feeling let down. Getting those feelings out, that by itself was taking some of the pain, laying it at his feet, and feeling him remove that from my heart. 

Then came the questions. God, how do you see this? What do you want me to know? Friends, I immediately felt his love. Hearing the voice of God, it is the best thing I’ve ever experienced. When you hear God, his voice is so completely full of love. You hear it in your heart and it fills you as you hear it. It comforts you. It is a tangible shift in your emotions that brings light to darkness. I felt God speak his love over me. That this was just another part of my life story he would see me through. Regardless of the outcome, it was going to be ok. And I do mean regardless. 

The deal I made with the Lord years ago, my life is his to use as he pleases. If breast cancer is part of my life story, then each moment will be used to point to his goodness. God has seen my family and me through so much. The wounds he’s healed in me. The wounds I know he will heal in my children. The hope, strength, comfort, joy, love he offers. Once you’ve experienced the fullness of God’s love, there’s nothing you won’t do for him, for others to hear about and experience for themselves the life changing love of God. I encourage you, if you haven’t met Jesus yet, don’t wait a moment longer. Click here and meet him. Seek him in prayer, share with him any pain or burdens you’re carrying, ask him to speak with you and tell you how he feels about you. You will hear love and encouragement unlike anything you’ve ever heard before.  

If you’d like to learn more about prayer or hearing God’s voice, you can find additional resources below: 

Prayer: calvarylg.com/prayer

Hearing God’s voice: Blog Post

Blessing you with the joy, peace, hope and love found in Jesus.

All-Consuming Fire

Have you ever met one of those super Christian Jesus people? They love Jesus. I mean they really love Jesus. They want to talk about him all the time. Their eyes light up with an excitement that doesn’t make a ton of sense. They talk about him as though he’s an actual person they talk to. You can’t bring a situation to them where they won’t somehow bring Jesus into it. There will be a solution somehow found in Jesus. Either praying about it, waiting for him to resolve it, or encouraging you to trust him in it. 

Growing up I had a neighbor, Tim, who was like this. I confess I didn’t understand how Jesus was his answer for everything. What I did know, Tim was my friend. I could trust him. He was always there to listen, kept my confidence, encouraged me. He even taught me how to drive a stick shift car. (The epitome of patience and encouragement.) No matter how bad things got, for him or for me, there was a confident hope he brought to every situation. He pointed to Jesus often, that Jesus was the answer to whatever it was we were dealing with. I’ll be honest, I didn’t buy it. I believed in Jesus but couldn’t understand how Jesus was supposed to help me deal with the actual problems I was facing. There was a peaceful confidence in him, in trusting his situations to Jesus, that didn’t make sense to me. 

Fast forward 30 years, I get it. I understand what he was telling me all those years ago. More than that, I have become that person who loves Jesus. I find so much joy in chatting with a friend about Him. How awesome he is, how he showed up in a situation, how His Word, the Bible, has the answers for everything. He is my first and last thought every day. How did this happen? How does a person go from hearing about Jesus, knowing about him nearly all her life, to falling in love with him? Where every breath and thought and action you want to be from him and for him? The answer is easy. You meet him.

My husband and I met online. The first time I learned of his existence was from words written on a page. He sounded amazing. He cooked, loved coffee, the outdoors. I liked what I read. And then I met him. I spent time with him. And fell head over heels in love. Friends, what’s amazing is it’s not much different with Jesus. Meeting Jesus is different than knowing about him. It’s different than believing in him and even reading about him. Meeting Jesus is encountering him, his presence. 

Jesus is not simply a man we read about in a book. He is fully man, fully God, a King, a miracle worker, a Savior, a comforter, a counselor. He is an all-consuming fire that will fill your heart and soul in ways unimaginable. He will give you hope in the worst of the worst. He is the only one who can look at the darkest parts of your life, your deepest wounds, see the ugliest parts of who you are, and in all of that, LOVE you. In that love, he takes any shame and regret, and rewrites that story. He will show you nothing we go through is wasted in his hands. He makes beauty from the ashes of our lives. 

No human can love us the way Jesus does. No human can take wounds from childhood and heal them. No human can take the lies we’ve heard our whole lives, whether it be the lie that you aren’t good enough, not worthy, damaged, alone, unloved, broken. Jesus takes those lies and tells you the truth of who you are – that he knit you in your mother’s womb. That he has a plan for you. That there isn’t a moment of your life you haven’t been loved by him. You are precious. You are seen. You are known. You are chosen. You are loved. 

When you meet Jesus, these truths become realized. I use the word become as in any relationship; the strength of the relationship comes from spending time together. The depths of his love are hard to comprehend, but as you spend time with him, you will hear him speak his love over you again and again and again. I encourage you, if you haven’t met Jesus yet, don’t wait a moment longer. Click here and meet him. Seek him in prayer and ask “Jesus, will you tell me how you feel about me?”. There is nothing like hearing His voice, His words. I haven’t met a soul whose eyes aren’t brighter after hearing Jesus speak to their hearts. 

For those of you who know him, I encourage you to spend time with him today. Even if your day feels packed, carve out time and sit with him. Read the Bible and seek him in prayer. I often refer to the Bible as a conversation starter. The Bible is alive and active. As you’re reading, God will point out a word or a phrase that will seem to stand out more than the others. In those words, there is something God is looking to speak to your heart. Once you’ve spent time in the Bible, I encourage you to go to God in prayer/conversation and ask him “What are you showing me? What would you like me to know?”. God wants to speak to you and will speak to you.

If you’d like to learn more about reading the Bible, prayer, or hearing God’s voice, you can find additional resources below: 

Reading Scripture:  calvarylg.com/readscripture

Prayer: calvarylg.com/prayer

Hearing God’s voice: Blog Post

Blessing you with the joy, peace, hope and love found in Jesus.

A Father's Love

My senior year in college I became engaged to a deeply wounded man. Young and stubborn, I dismissed the warning signs of his temper and the lies he often told. One summer day I was on the phone with him and knew in my gut something was wrong. I got in my car and drove to his house. My prayer, “God, please let me see what I need to see so I can move on.” Sure enough, as I pulled up, there was my fiancé with another woman. What happened next, I certainly didn’t anticipate. He went into a rage demanding I leave. All 4’10” of me, full of anger and hurt was not having it. Hands on hips, fury I imagine written all over my face, I said “I almost married you. The very least you owe me is an explanation.” The next thing I knew I was lying on my back on the street. He had picked me up and thrown me down. Then he and the woman drove away.

Police were involved and a court date was set so I could get a restraining order. I had so many emotions. I found myself going back and forth between feelings of fear and conviction that I was fine. I could handle this. When my court date arrived, my Dad offered to go with me. I told him he didn’t need to. I had learned my ex wasn’t going to be there so felt safe and capable of going alone. More than that, I wanted to feel in control, and had convinced myself I was fully capable of getting through this situation on my own. 

My Dad wasn’t having it. He knew I was hurting. He knew while I was convinced I could handle what I was facing, the truth was I needed help. I needed support. I needed comfort. Not taking no for an answer, he made it clear he was going with me. As we pulled into the court parking lot, I felt the blood drain from my face as I saw my ex, who was not supposed to be there, in the car in front of me. My voice soft as I whispered to my dad in disbelief, sadness, and a bit of fear “he said he wasn’t coming.” My father looked at me, and with the fierceness of a father who in no uncertain terms was not going to let anything happen to his daughter, “It’s going to be ok.” Behind those five words was a power difficult to describe. My fear fled. As did my ex when he saw I was not alone and that my father was with me. While my ex could physically outpower me, he had nothing on my father.

Friends, what my earthy dad did for me that day is a beautiful picture of what our Heavenly Father offers us every day. He is an ever-present protector, defender, comforter, counselor. Psalm 139 shows us God knit us in our mother’s womb. What that verse shows us is that before we took our first breath, he has been with us. This is true whether you know him or not, whether you’ve accepted him into your life or haven’t yet. He is there, he has always been there, and He is with you right now, at this very moment. God sees your pain, your struggle. He knows the burdens you’re carrying. The fear, the wounding, the hurt from childhood that hasn’t yet healed. The struggle with addiction. The decision you made you wish you could undo. His desire is to take your pain, your heartbreak, your worries, your battles, and fight them for you.

Too often we think our only option is to make it through our pain and struggles in our own strength. We’ve all been there and it’s exhausting. In my experience, it doesn’t turn out well. But when I ask God to help, when I invite him in, I’ve seen him take my greatest pain, the darkest situations, times when there’s nothing I can do to fix it, and He makes a way. He will not only see you through whatever you’re facing, he will bring you peace in the midst of the battle. He will comfort you as only he can. He will take your broken heart and not only mend it, he’ll fill it with his love, giving you a heart more full, more joyful than you thought possible.

Friends, to see God move, we need to invite him in. I encourage you, right now, take 5 minutes, close your eyes, and go to God in prayer. God knows your heart and what you’re facing. He’s not looking for fancy words. His arms are outstretched, ready to embrace you with his love and comfort, shower you with his love and move in your situation as only he can. Will you go to him today? In those moments my prayers are often a few simple words “God, I need you. Will you help me?”. Eight simple words and my father not only hears, he makes mountains move.

If we can be praying for you, praying for your situation, please know we’d be honored to do so. We have experienced the power of prayer and we’d love to cover you in prayer. Simply visit calvarylg.com/welcome or email blog@calvarylg.com.

Blessing you with peace, hope, trust in our Heavenly Father.

Miracles

Last week was a special week. I was witness to two miracles from God. It was the week of my medical tests. For the last six years, my health has been one battle after the next. With each year and each test, the results have gotten worse. There are three areas in my body regularly monitored for cancer. Thyroid, kidney, and colon. Last week all three were checked. The thyroid was stable. I am thankful for that but also wasn’t really concerned about it. Now my kidney, for two years we’ve been monitoring it and each exam showed the cyst growing and growing quickly. It had a blood supply and based on every exam up until last Monday, that was the case. Prior to the exam my husband and I were anticipating growth, discussing what we would do, and trying to figure out how we would work in kidney removal surgery into our summer. Fast forward to later that day, reading through the results, and my first little miracle had occurred. The cyst had shrunk. I had to read the results multiple times to make sure I was reading them clearly. But sure enough, it had shrunk! 

Last up was my colon. My colon has been the persistent problem organ. Every year it has had pre-cancerous polyps. Most years double digits. As I met with my doctor before the procedure, he looked at me seriously and said “whatever we find, I’m going to send for additional testing. I know we’ve done your genetic testing and it was negative, but maybe they’ll find something. Some abnormality.” He was prepared as I was on what he would find when he did the exam. As I came out of anesthesia, he looked at me and when I said “How many?”, he looked at me, stunned, and said “none.” I was speechless, thinking I must have heard it wrong as I was still a bit groggy and said to him “Wait. What? None??” He said “I checked. Twice. I couldn’t believe it myself after I went through the first time so checked a second time. There were none. It’s perfectly healthy.” Miracle 2 had just occurred.

Friends, God works in big and small ways. While to some these may not seem like big miracles, to our family they are. Organs that have been problematic and sick have suddenly improved and are healthy, that is a miracle. Getting a three-year break from these exams is a gift. As I asked God what he wanted me to share today, I felt him guide to share what he did last week. To testify of his goodness. That the miracles we see in the bible were not simply for that time. And that God is not floating around somewhere distant watching how our lives play out. God is present. He is active. He is close. He is moving mountains, making ways where none exist, he’s answering prayers and creating miracles. 

I believe in this region we will see far greater miracles than what he did for me last week. But I also want to give him all the glory and gratitude for how he chose to move in our family last week through my health. I don’t know why God chose to heal me now. There are others who are much sicker than I was, others who don’t get healed, others who are praying, and those prayers haven’t been answered the way we’d like them to be. If that’s you, I’m so sorry. God is a mystery and his ways are not our ways. I could never explain, nor would I dare to try, why God heals some of the time and not all of the time. What I do know, had my results not been the miracles they were, if it was confirmed to be cancer and my kidney or colon needed to be removed, it would not change the goodness of who God is or how he loves. 

Whether you believe in Jesus or not, we all know tomorrow is never guaranteed. As I’ve come to know Jesus and build a relationship with him, what I’ve come to understand is that every day he gives me breath, is a day he wants to use me. And more importantly, the day I no longer have breath, I get to be with Him. Friends, I’ve told my kids and my husband, when I’m no longer here, when God chooses for me to be in heaven with him, I will be thrilled. Of course I want to see my children live out their lives, get married and have children of their own. But God is greater than any earthly dream. So how he wants to use me, in sickness and in health, it’s completely up to him and I’m all in. Because with God, no matter what, there is peace that exceeds circumstance. There’s adventure as we hear his voice, step into opportunities he has for us, boldly trust him and offer ourselves to be used by him.

My question to you is this, do you trust God? With all that you are and with all that you face, do you trust him? It’s ok if the answer is no. God knows what’s in your heart. Any worries, fears, resentment, distrust, doubt, anger you may be feeling, God isn’t surprised by it. But he does want to take it from you and lavish his love on you. He wants you to know him intimately, to know you can trust him, that there’s nothing he can’t do, no problem too big or too small for him. And most importantly, that he loves you. So much so he sent his son to die as a sacrifice so you could be reconciled to him. I encourage you, if you don’t feel peace in your heart, if you don’t yet know and trust Jesus, press in. To get to know Jesus more, I encourage you to click here. For those who do know him but still feel he’s distant or you have something unresolved with him, I encourage you to go to him in prayer. Confess all you’re feeling and wait to hear his voice. He will speak to you. He will lavish his love on you. And the peace he will give you, that’s a miracle in and of itself and comes only from Him.

Blessing you with health, hope, peace, and the joy of his presence.

Hourly

I sat down to write yesterday and the words weren’t coming. I should’ve known what that meant – God hadn’t given me the story yet. Fast forward 24 hours later and there are many to choose from. My heart is heavy, tears are welling, and the word “hourly” is prominent in my mind. This is a day where my emotions and faith are at war with each other. It’s a battle between fear, worry, fatigue and God’s peace. Hourly is the frequency I am going to God, giving him my heart, my angst, the things I’m feeling I can’t even put words to, and asking him to take it. I am clinging to our Father with both hands. Knowing only he knows what’s ahead. Knowing he loves me and my boys more than I understand. Knowing the struggles we’re facing does not mean his absence. In fact, it’s the opposite. He’s even closer because he knows how fragile we are. How much we need his help. How there is no possible way we can handle what we’re facing without him. He is there. 

As I picture him now, I see an image of him, looking into my eyes, reassuring me everything will be ok. No matter what it looks like, he will see us through. He gives me peace, it allows the tears to dissipate, my lungs to fill. But the truth is, an hour later, often less than that, my emotions rise up again. The situations we’re facing will enter my mind again. The worry and fear come back. The process repeats.  

Friends, there are seasons like this. Seasons when the darkness and brokenness of this world invades our lives. It may be with our relationships, our health, our work. It may be our children. It could be all of them at once. Friends I don’t know how to get through these things other than clinging to God with both hands. The truth is, I simply cannot get through it on my own. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know the journey ahead. Even for my son, I don’t know what road he will take, when breakthrough will come. What I know with absolute certainty, God is good. I make it a point, in the midst of the battle, when it feels like we simply can’t take anymore, to declare that truth. 

The enemy wants us to doubt God’s goodness. God’s power, God’s love, God’s faithfulness. The enemy wants us to believe there is no hope. To sit in sadness, immobilized with fear, doubt, worry. And yet God gave us His word, the Bible, and tells us over 300 times, do not fear. As I sit here now, I’m reminded of the last time I felt like this. It was in the post I shared last week from the darkest time in my life where it just wasn’t one area of life that was broken, it was several. I remember going to God and saying “I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know how to fix it. I need you.”. God did exactly that. He made a way where one didn’t exist. He got our family through absolutely every battle we were facing. And I know, he will do it again. 

Whatever it is you’re facing, whatever hurt, fear, worry, unknown you’re facing, God will make a way. He will take it and give you peace. As someone who in this moment is writing with tear stained cheeks, but whose eyes are now dry, I give you this as my testimony. God is good. God is near. God LOVES you. He can make a way where none exists. But it’s up to us to go to him. 

I encourage you, right now, go to him. Bring what you’re carrying to him. A prayer you can pray:

God, I need you. I invite you in. Into my life, into my heart. Will you make a way where I don’t see that one exists? I give you my pain, my worry, my fears and I ask for you in its place. And the peace you offer that exists despite what I’m facing. In your son Jesus’ name, Amen.

If you don’t yet know Jesus, if you haven’t accepted him into your heart, I encourage you to click here, right now, and learn more about him. The peace I speak of, it begins and ends with him.

Blessing you with the hope, comfort and peace of Jesus.

2016

Hi friends. This post may very well be my most vulnerable as I feel God leading me to share something I wrote five years ago. As I sat with God this morning asking Him what was on his heart for me to share, he gave me the word “journal”. I felt him guide to find my journal from when I was newly divorced. At the time I was working in corporate marketing, a single mom, and the boys were 5, 7 and 9. I had to search for the journal and found it on a shelf in the closet, dust on its cover. I had no idea what was written, what God was pointing to, but felt him guide to trust him and he would point it out. I opened the journal and began reading. It covers one of the darkest chapters of my life and I found myself reading through the hurt, the anger, the unknowns. Then I felt my heart begin to beat a little faster as I asked God, a little fearfully, “what’s in here that you want me to share?”. 

I knew the entry the minute I landed on it. I turned a page and felt him speak “this is the one.”

I wrestled with God on what exactly to include. Talk about my most private thoughts. This was a journal entry that was written for me, not public consumption. And yet, God was asking me to step out in faith for him, to trust and be obedient to what he was asking. So here we are. I will put the entry below. No edits. Because that’s what he’s asking of me and that’s my relationship with Him. He speaks to my heart, tells me to do something that 9.5 times out of 10 doesn’t make sense to me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Then he will encourage me “Be strong and courageous. Trust me.” Because I know it’s Him, I step in. And I remember the scripture that always brings a smile to my face ““For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” Isaiah 55:8.

To you who are reading this, I pray it blesses you somehow and in some way. God is so good and he loves you more than you can possibly imagine. 

 July 8, 2016

“Colonoscopy done and at home. That liquid is truly awful. No answers yet. Colon looked normal – no auto immune issues, which is a relief. He removed a polyp, more biopsies, an ultrasound on Tuesday and hopefully some answers in a week and a half. It seems while sedated I said “Ex is bad. Three kids.” I’m surprised. Yes, it’s the truth. I guess consciously I work so hard at trying to push the negative thoughts away. I tell myself each time he’s thoughtless, unappreciative, or just him, that it doesn’t matter. It’s all for the boys. There’s just something a little sad about it. That that was on my mind. Or maybe it’s always on my mind because it’s my daily life.

I don’t get down about it. I’m so grateful for my journey. I’m so grateful for God. For the path he’s chosen for me. No matter what struggles come my way, I know there’s purpose. It’s his way of getting me to a place he’s chosen. And in that place is something beautiful, something purposeful. I can feel him guiding my life. It’s funny, I hear him. Often. I don’t know that I ever did before. All of this, the last year, actually last two years, have brought me to him in a way I’ve never experienced before. My life – it’s faith first. I wake up each day and say a prayer. Always with gratitude. I listen to my music while running and commuting. I talk to him and wait to hear him. I can feel him. I feel close to him. Connected.

From the moment I decided to walk in faith, to follow where he led, and just trust, amazing things have happened. Jonathon, the job, even my back injury that got me to go to the doctor for my real health issues. I know he has me in his hands. It is the most wonderful, beautiful, peaceful, purposeful, joyful, fearless feeling to live your life knowing it’s where God wants you. That you’re fulfilling his plans and are on the path he’s chosen for you. It’s indescribable.

I know he has something bigger planned for me. I’m supposed to share my testimony on a larger scale. I don’t know the form it will take or the timing. I do know he wants me in the word. To continue getting closer to him. And he wants me to help kids through work. There’s something there that is part of the journey.

It was amazing. I went on my run, spent some much needed time with God. And I heard him. Loud and clear. The direction about sharing my testimony. About being a light and source of hope and strength for others. I was asking God why it was, that regardless of the struggle, how much pain I was in, that my faith in him never wavered. That it seemed that was when most people questioned God. But that for me, that didn’t exist. In my darkest moments, I knew he had a plan. And I heard him “Because sweetie, you’re meant to be a light. A source of strength for others who are suffering.” And it was in that time with him that I could hear him. Hear his instructions. And still, a small voice of doubt will creep up when it’s happening asking “Really? Is this God?” And I hear him immediately reply, “Yes”. Lovingly. With a smile. The way a father looks at his daughter to reassure her that yes, this is real. I’m so thankful. So happy. So blessed. I love you G-man. Thank you for keeping me in your heart, holding my life in your hands, your forgiveness, kindness, grace, love.”

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Footnote: What I would like to encourage you with - hearing God is for everyone. It’s not a gifting God gives. It’s not about reading the right book. It’s about entering into conversation with him. Spending time with him. If you simply go to him in prayer and ask him to speak to you, I want you to know He will speak to you. He loves you so much and wants to speak his love over you, guide you, even laugh with you. All it takes is reaching out to him. He also speaks through his word and if you’re someone who likes tangible examples of how to hear him, we have a post on it here.

Finally, yes, I called him G-man. Forgive me one and all. ❤️