Broken

Last week was a very special week for my youngest son and me. For the first time ever we took a trip, just the two of us. We were headed to Disneyland to celebrate his birthday and to say the two of us were excited would be a huge understatement. From the moment we got to the airport, my little love seemed to have a permanent expression of disbelief and joy on his face. Not because of where we were going, but because he had his mom all to himself and he got to call the shots. All of them. Where he wanted to eat, what he wanted to do, it was all up to him. The time was precious and both of our hearts were so full. Midway through our trip, having the time of our lives, I got the phone call. My oldest son had just walked through a painful experience and was hurting. It was bad. All of a sudden, I found myself with a heart that felt ripped in two for my oldest.

When our children hurt, there is a pain you feel that’s impossible to describe. It’s far worse than if the same experience happens to you. I believe in the absolute goodness of God. I know he is in complete control. So why, why did my son have to go through what he was going through? I was absolutely broken hearted. My emotions were all human. Hurt, angry, devastated for him. I found myself trying to shut down the pain and be present for my youngest to not steal from the experience I was trying to give him. But my mind would flash back to my oldest son and tears would stream down my face. I couldn’t sleep. The tears wouldn’t seem to stop. Thank the Lord for sunglasses that hid a good chunk of the tears from my youngest.

In times of great pain, when we are facing another of life’s trials, a war takes place between what I see with my eyes, with the evidence of what’s happening around us, and with my faith in who God is. My heart and emotions battle with my mind. I know who God is. I know He is good and loves my son more than I do, better than I do. The child I have the privilege of raising is God’s son more than he’s mine. And I know God knows the whole story. He knows every day of my son’s life from beginning to end. The prayers God has put on my heart to pray for my son – for his life to be full of joy, for his faith to be deep, for him to intimately know and be in relationship with Jesus, that the path to get there is not going to be the path I would choose for him. 

We know from our own lives, the deepest most transformative work, happens in the hard times. The trials we face, if we allow God in, can become the greatest blessings. Because of the pain God has allowed in my life, I’ve experienced joy I never would’ve experienced without it. In my pain, God stripped things out of my life that didn’t belong. He gave me freedom and peace and the joy of knowing him, of experiencing him. But what do you do when you’re in pain? What do you do in the midst of the battle when the evidence of what you’re seeing and experiencing seem to be greater than who you know God to be?

My 2-step plan of action: 1. Get people praying. I immediately reached out to my inner circle and asked them to pray. Long ago I asked God to provide people in my life who believed in the power of prayer. God has overdelivered. He’s blessed me with people I can share the raw and sometimes brutal truths of what we’re facing and with zero judgment, they join me in prayer. They are in invaluable gift from God. Step 2 – I go to God. Here’s what I know after journeying through many a trial with the Lord. He will work in my heart, but it can take time. In every situation, there is how I see it with my human eyes, and how God sees it. When I received the call about my son and for two days after, I was hurting for my son. I was experiencing the pain as a mom. I knew God was in it, that he allowed the pain, but my heart was broken and the question of “why?” was all my heart could seem to focus on.

Sunday morning I went to church about an hour before service began. From the moment I walked in, I could feel the presence of God. I knew God saw me and was with me. His daughter that was hurting. I found myself walking to the front of the church and kneeling down. The tears were falling and my hands had turned upwards, in a posture of both surrender and receiving. In my mind I saw a picture of my son and me giving my son to God. Releasing the situation into God’s hands. Surrendering and trusting God. I asked God, “what do you want me to know?”. I felt him speak to my heart. “What you see as an experience that pulled him further away from me is one I am using to draw him nearer. He is on the path to me.” Then I gave God my broken heart and God gave me a picture of Jesus with me, his eyes filled with compassion as he saw my grief over my son. Then he gave me the picture of being held in his arms, comforting me and taking the pain. Friends, as I left church that day, I felt my heart that had been broken as I walked into church, put back together and whole again as I left that day. The grieving ceased. I continue to hold onto the picture of my son one step closer to Jesus. My human eyes would never have seen or believed that to be the case. But through the eyes of Jesus, I not only see it, I know it to be true. 

Friends, what are you carrying, what battle are you facing where you need to see God’s perspective vs. your own? Would you be willing to give it to God and hear his voice of love and comfort tell you how he sees it? I encourage you to find a quiet space. I like to have a worship song playing in the background (“Goodness of God” was playing as I prayed on Sunday). From there, simply close your eyes and seek God in prayer. Ask him, “God, how do you see this?”. If you’re willing, imagine whatever situation you’re facing and give it to him. Ask him “God, as I give this to you, what do you want me to know? What will you give me in return?”. Then wait patiently for his reply. He will speak to your heart, it’s who he is and what he does.

If we can be praying for you, if we can be your prayer team, please know we’d be honored to do so. Simply email prayer@calvarylg.com and we’d be honored to lift you and your situation to him.

Blessing you with wholeness, peace and joy in Him.