2016
/Hi friends. This post may very well be my most vulnerable as I feel God leading me to share something I wrote five years ago. As I sat with God this morning asking Him what was on his heart for me to share, he gave me the word “journal”. I felt him guide to find my journal from when I was newly divorced. At the time I was working in corporate marketing, a single mom, and the boys were 5, 7 and 9. I had to search for the journal and found it on a shelf in the closet, dust on its cover. I had no idea what was written, what God was pointing to, but felt him guide to trust him and he would point it out. I opened the journal and began reading. It covers one of the darkest chapters of my life and I found myself reading through the hurt, the anger, the unknowns. Then I felt my heart begin to beat a little faster as I asked God, a little fearfully, “what’s in here that you want me to share?”.
I knew the entry the minute I landed on it. I turned a page and felt him speak “this is the one.”
I wrestled with God on what exactly to include. Talk about my most private thoughts. This was a journal entry that was written for me, not public consumption. And yet, God was asking me to step out in faith for him, to trust and be obedient to what he was asking. So here we are. I will put the entry below. No edits. Because that’s what he’s asking of me and that’s my relationship with Him. He speaks to my heart, tells me to do something that 9.5 times out of 10 doesn’t make sense to me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Then he will encourage me “Be strong and courageous. Trust me.” Because I know it’s Him, I step in. And I remember the scripture that always brings a smile to my face ““For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” Isaiah 55:8.
To you who are reading this, I pray it blesses you somehow and in some way. God is so good and he loves you more than you can possibly imagine.
July 8, 2016
“Colonoscopy done and at home. That liquid is truly awful. No answers yet. Colon looked normal – no auto immune issues, which is a relief. He removed a polyp, more biopsies, an ultrasound on Tuesday and hopefully some answers in a week and a half. It seems while sedated I said “Ex is bad. Three kids.” I’m surprised. Yes, it’s the truth. I guess consciously I work so hard at trying to push the negative thoughts away. I tell myself each time he’s thoughtless, unappreciative, or just him, that it doesn’t matter. It’s all for the boys. There’s just something a little sad about it. That that was on my mind. Or maybe it’s always on my mind because it’s my daily life.
I don’t get down about it. I’m so grateful for my journey. I’m so grateful for God. For the path he’s chosen for me. No matter what struggles come my way, I know there’s purpose. It’s his way of getting me to a place he’s chosen. And in that place is something beautiful, something purposeful. I can feel him guiding my life. It’s funny, I hear him. Often. I don’t know that I ever did before. All of this, the last year, actually last two years, have brought me to him in a way I’ve never experienced before. My life – it’s faith first. I wake up each day and say a prayer. Always with gratitude. I listen to my music while running and commuting. I talk to him and wait to hear him. I can feel him. I feel close to him. Connected.
From the moment I decided to walk in faith, to follow where he led, and just trust, amazing things have happened. Jonathon, the job, even my back injury that got me to go to the doctor for my real health issues. I know he has me in his hands. It is the most wonderful, beautiful, peaceful, purposeful, joyful, fearless feeling to live your life knowing it’s where God wants you. That you’re fulfilling his plans and are on the path he’s chosen for you. It’s indescribable.
I know he has something bigger planned for me. I’m supposed to share my testimony on a larger scale. I don’t know the form it will take or the timing. I do know he wants me in the word. To continue getting closer to him. And he wants me to help kids through work. There’s something there that is part of the journey.
It was amazing. I went on my run, spent some much needed time with God. And I heard him. Loud and clear. The direction about sharing my testimony. About being a light and source of hope and strength for others. I was asking God why it was, that regardless of the struggle, how much pain I was in, that my faith in him never wavered. That it seemed that was when most people questioned God. But that for me, that didn’t exist. In my darkest moments, I knew he had a plan. And I heard him “Because sweetie, you’re meant to be a light. A source of strength for others who are suffering.” And it was in that time with him that I could hear him. Hear his instructions. And still, a small voice of doubt will creep up when it’s happening asking “Really? Is this God?” And I hear him immediately reply, “Yes”. Lovingly. With a smile. The way a father looks at his daughter to reassure her that yes, this is real. I’m so thankful. So happy. So blessed. I love you G-man. Thank you for keeping me in your heart, holding my life in your hands, your forgiveness, kindness, grace, love.”
Footnote: What I would like to encourage you with - hearing God is for everyone. It’s not a gifting God gives. It’s not about reading the right book. It’s about entering into conversation with him. Spending time with him. If you simply go to him in prayer and ask him to speak to you, I want you to know He will speak to you. He loves you so much and wants to speak his love over you, guide you, even laugh with you. All it takes is reaching out to him. He also speaks through his word and if you’re someone who likes tangible examples of how to hear him, we have a post on it here.
Finally, yes, I called him G-man. Forgive me one and all. ❤️
