Pain Exchange

Last Thursday I had one of those days. I had gone to the doctor to get an ultrasound and received news that was frustrating. For the last five years my health has been one doctor’s appointment after another. It feels like a game of whac-a-mole. Do you remember that arcade game? The mole comes up, you smack it down with a hammer, and then another one comes up, and then another. No matter how many you smack down another seems to pop back up. That has been my health. Currently there are three separate areas of my body we actively monitor for cancer. All unrelated. I have nodules growing in my thyroid. Once they get to a certain size, we will biopsy and decide what to do and if/when action is needed. That’s an easy one. Next up is my colon. I’ve lost count of how many precancerous polyps I’ve had removed. Each year I have an exam, I wake up from anesthesia, and hear the double-digit count. Last year I remember my doctor looking at me, almost in disbelief, and asking quizzically “We ran your genetic testing? And it came back negative??”. “Yep”. He took a deep breath, shook his head back and forth, then said “Ok. I’ll see you next year.” The colon issue carries a bit more weight as my uncle passed away from colon cancer at an early age. But we’re doing what we can do. We’re aware of it, treating it before it becomes a real problem, and for that I’m grateful. Finally, we’ve got my kidney. There’s a cyst and it’s growing. We’ve run a ton of tests, we believe it’s non-cancerous, but there’s a chance it could be. The growth is an issue, the cyst is in a terrible location, and we’ll likely have some decisions to make this year. Ultimately, we believe the kidney will need to be removed. Time, more testing, and prayer will tell.

So back to last Thursday. Before and during the ultrasound, my prayer was “God, please let the results be clear. Please let the next steps be clear. I’d like to move on and have one less medical issue to deal with.” A few hours later I received the results. The cyst had grown, enough to need a follow-up in 6 months rather than 2 to 3 years. My initial response? Irritation. Followed by sadness and frustration. I like to handle things. Face a situation head on, get through it, and move on. I sat there at the table, re-reading the results, and processing how I felt. I don’t want to be dealing with this anymore. My summer is getting filled with what looks like a bunch of doctor’s appointments and potentially some big decisions. I was sad. I was tired. I wanted it to be over with. As tears filled my eyes, I did the one thing I know to do, I lifted them. Seeking God to speak into a situation that had no answers, just questions. 

I asked God “God, how do you see this? What is going on?”. I heard him respond with gentleness “Do you trust me?”. I’ve learned God asks questions not because he doesn’t know the answer, but to position me. He was preparing my heart for what he was going to speak into it. My response, tears still in my eyes “Yes”. I then heard him speak again to my heart “Trust me. Trust my timing. Now is not the time. I’ve got this.” I sat there, the tears now sliding down my face, letting his response sink in. My mind flashed to all the times God has been faithful in my life. How he’s brought my family and me through every dark situation we’ve ever faced. That while I never understand the pain or circumstance at the time, He has never failed. He has never abandoned me. He has never withheld his love from me. God was asking me to trust who He is. That while I don’t know what’s ahead, he does. His timing is perfect. And that if I allowed him to, he would use even this for his purposes. 

I don’t have an answer to why my health is under constant attack. I don’t know why now is not the time for my kidney situation to be resolved. But here’s what I’ve come to know. I don’t have to know why. I just need to know who. Who to go to. Who will take my pain, my fear, my frustration, my fatigue. God can, and he will, and he does. The next part of my prayer, “God, I’m giving this situation to you. I trust you. Will you take all that I’m feeling, all my fears and frustrations, and give me your peace?”. By the end of that day I felt God’s peace come over me. My situation hadn’t changed. I was still facing all the medical problems I was at the beginning of the day. But I felt the love of a Father whose love for me is greater than I understand. Whose ways are not my own but are better. Who was asking me to trust him and that he would see me through. 

Trusting God is not a one-time event. It’s daily. Sometimes even hourly. The peace he offers us requires action on our end. It’s a surrender. Friends, I share so much with you because I want the peace and hope God gives me, I want that for you. I want whatever burden you’re carrying to be lifted to the only one capable of bringing you peace despite the circumstance. There are multiple ways to do this exchange with God, all available in prayer. 

1.     The first is what I described above. A very simple prayer, “God, I give you ___. Will you take it and give me your peace? In Jesus’ name, Amen”. 

2.     Sometimes it helps to imagine actually giving what you’re carrying over to Jesus. To do this, close your eyes. Imagine what you’re carrying in a box or a bag that you’re holding. Then you can imagine placing that box or bag at the foot of the cross, giving it to Jesus. I encourage you then to open your hands, palms up, and imagine God’s peace placed in your hands and filling your body.

3.     A third option is to journal your prayer. Writing down, “God I give you ___. I surrender this situation to you and in return, I ask for your peace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” There’s something about tangibly writing it down that can help as you process and pray.

While the prayers above may seem too simple and straightforward to actually take the pain you’re feeling and bring you peace, I encourage you to try. It’s not the size of the prayer, it’s the size of our Heavenly Father that matters. He is greater than we can imagine, greater than any problem we face, greater than the burdens we carry. His love for you is overwhelming. He is there, lovingly waiting to take your pain and lavish his love on you. I encourage you not to wait and reach out to him today. If I can be praying for you, I’d be honored to do so. Simply email blog@calvarylg.com.

Praying blessings of peace, hope, and a beautiful exchange with our Father.