His Ways Not Ours

Have you ever found yourself in a moment when all of a sudden, a memory from your past is brought to mind? I had some alone time this weekend and as I was sitting there, the image of the front door to my last home popped in my mind. More than an image, it was a memory from one of the most painful and life altering moments of my life. In the memory, I was standing outside my front door, the door closed, taking a moment to process what had happened before going in. I had just finished a conversation with my husband. We had been sitting on a bench by the birch trees in our front yard. For months he had been discussing wanting to leave our marriage. Not wanting to believe it was over, I was trying all I could to change his mind. Holding on to hope, in denial it was over. At the time of the conversation he had begun moving to a new apartment and yet I was still hoping for a different outcome. The conversation we had on the bench that day made it clear the end wasn’t a possibility, it had happened. After our talk my husband left our home to go to his new apartment and I was standing there, staring at the door handle, and then at my hand as it was trembling. My mind frantically searching for what to do while pain ripped through me. Wanting to crumble into a heap but knowing I had three little boys inside who needed their mom I simply stood there staring at the door. That moment signified the abrupt end to a life and a dream I didn’t want to end.

Now, while the memory of this moment was replaying in my mind, the emotions connected to that moment are thankfully also a memory. As I recalled what I was feeling at that time, it’s similar to recalling physical pain. You remember that it hurt, but the pain is no longer something you can feel. Jesus took that wound and turned it into a scar many years ago. That said, I’ve also learned healing and our emotions are similar to an onion. There are layers. With that, I asked God the question I didn’t want to ask, but knew I needed to, “God, what are you showing me? Is there a wound that still exists? Something else that needs to be healed?”. I felt his smile as he knew I was asking with a very hesitant heart. I then felt him speak “I want to teach you something.” 

Over the last year and in particular the last month, God has been highlighting how His ways are not mine. We see in Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” What God is showing me is that my preference, my way, my plans, they don’t include pain or suffering. But if I’m honest, it’s the painful moments that have changed me. It’s the breakdowns that have led to breakthrough. As I reflected on that closed front door from years past, God was showing me how that closed door led to a beautiful new door he had already opened for me. One that was full of new life and new hope. A richer, fuller, more purposeful life than the one I’d chosen for myself. As I watch my kids face their own battles, wanting desperately to protect them and alleviate their suffering, He reminds me “your ways are not my ways”. That His plans for the kids are not my plans. That while the journey will look different than what I hope for them, that His ways are not mine and they are in fact better. When God closes a door, he’s got another door, more beautiful and more wonderful prepared for you. 

When we’re experiencing something deeply painful, it can feel impossible to imagine, let alone believe, that something beautiful can come of it. Healing, new beginnings, peace, joy. What I’ve come to accept is that pain and closed doors are part of this life. What’s taken me longer to understand, is that they can also be answers to my prayers. As I pray for my children to be anchored in their faith, there may be battles they have to endure to discover that faith. As I pray to experience God’s miracles, I may have to face something only a miracle could heal. As I pray to be used by God, He will use me. And what I’ve found he uses are the wounds, the disappointments, the heartbreaks. Because in all of it, He has been there. In all of it, He has brought me comfort. And in all of it, His promises are true. Psalm 34:18 shows “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He has shown this to be true in my life time and time again.

If you’re experiencing something difficult, if a door has been closed that you desperately wanted to remain open, I pray you feel God’s presence, love and comfort. I pray you feel the hope of the new beginning God has in store. I pray for the door he has prepared to be revealed. And I pray His peace that exceeds circumstance to overwhelm your heart. If we can be praying for you, please know we’re honored to do so. Simply email blog@calvarylg.com.

Praying blessings of peace, comfort, healing, hope, and beautiful new beginnings.