Flawed

Friends, I have a confession. I used to think I was a good person. What I’ve come to know is I’m not. The critical thoughts of others, judgment, impatience. Saying things that don’t need to be said. If I’m honest with myself and with you, who I am in my own right, my human nature, is deeply flawed and broken. 

This weekend I was determined not to say anything negative. I found myself tired of noticing things that bothered me. But it wasn’t just that I was noticing them, I was saying something about them. I would tell my husband. It could be something little about something in the house. With seven people sheltered-in-place, the little things have become much more noticeable. But as I said something critical, he would join in the conversation with me. Then we found both of ourselves fixated on the negative. Noticing it. Talking about it. And as we continued with this pattern we finally realized; things were getting worse not better. Our criticism, even if justified, never made anything better. It just made us more irritated.

So this weekend, I was determined not to give voice to criticism. Anything negative that came to mind I was adamant was going to stop as a thought or observation and go no further. It wasn’t about not saying it to the person who caused the offense. It was about not saying anything to anyone about it. And yet, the desire to give voice to it was powerfully real. The moment the criticism came to mind I wanted to speak it. The more I tried not to say anything, the more fixated that thought seemed to be in my head and the desire to complain about it felt greater and greater. There came a point where I physically had to cover my mouth with my hands to keep from saying it out loud. 

I was realizing quickly, in my own strength, I was losing even this tiny battle. While momentarily succeeding through gritted teeth and a hand covered mouth, the situation was still a mess. I hadn’t given voice to the criticism, but it was still holding my mind captive. So I did the only thing I could to make it better, I asked God for help. It wasn’t just a prayer of “please God, keep me from saying this!” (although believe me, those prayers were there). I needed God to speak into the situation. To change my point of view. My observations and criticisms were my own. It was about how I saw the situation, the person, and my response to it. 

I’ve learned to seek God’s input in what’s happening in my life. Even if it may seem too small to matter, I’ve come to learn there’s nothing too small (or too big) to bring God into. I used to think there were more important matters God needed to attend to than the small problems in my life. He lovingly corrected me, reminding me he was not human and did not have the limited resources we as humans have. That bringing my situations to him was always welcome, so he could bring His light and truth into all aspects of my life. The questions I asked and what I felt him speak to my heart are below.

God, how do you see this person?

My loving son. He’s feeling stressed and struggling with rejection. 

God, what do you want me to know about this situation?

He needs encouragement. 

God, what do you want me to do?

Forgive the offense. Pray a blessing of peace over him and a blessing for him to know how much I love him and see him. Give him a hug and tell him something you love about him.

Immediately after this prayer and conversation with God, I felt my perspective shift. The irritation? Gone. Clenched teeth? Relaxed. What remained were feelings of love and peace. And a wonderful action item. As I mentioned at the start, how I see things, how I respond to things in my human nature, they are deeply flawed and broken. But when I ask God for help, when I look to God to show me how He sees the situation and what He wants me to do, I become the best version of myself. And because God is who God is, He doesn’t stop there. He blesses me with taking that frustration, taking that negative thought I felt desperate to communicate, and removes it, allowing me to step into the action he’s guided me to take. He brings me peace and moves me along to better things.  

If hearing God’s voice is new to you, we have a post about how you can begin hearing his voice here. My encouragement to you, whatever situation you find yourself in, if you’re feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed, ask God to speak into it. To tell you how He sees it and what He wants you to do. It will be the best advice you can get. 

Blessing you with grace, peace, and conversations with our Father.