Wounds We Carry

Friends, this is where I take a deep breath. As I mentioned in Tuesday’s post, this blog is not mine. It belongs to God and what he guides me to share. My process is to sit with him and ask him what’s on his heart. The next part is the hard part. Because it’s where faith and surrender come in. He often brings up memories that are hard. Things I don’t want to talk about. I will tell our Father, as I did a few minutes ago, “God, I don’t want to talk about that.” I’m not angry with him for what he brings to mind but the truth is, nine times out of ten it’s memories that are hard. I will feel sadness and a bit of fear in being led to share them. Not wanting to dig into what’s often the ugly of my life. And then I will hear God, gentle and loving “Do you trust me?”. After years of this process with him, my now instant and heartfelt response “Yes of course.” And he reminds me of a truth he’s shown me again and again, he will not bring me to something he won’t bring me through.

For forty plus years I kept females at arm’s length. I couldn’t explain why. What I knew was that when it came to women, there was an automatic distrust. Friendships with males felt much easier. I thought I was simply “a guy’s gal”. I had spent my life up to that point living on my terms, experiencing that life implode, and realizing God had a much different and better plan for my life. It was a couple years into learning about Jesus, reading the Bible, going to church, that I was sharing with a friend about these terrible dreams I was having. In the dreams, I was getting into car accidents with women. The women were driving cars and trying to hit my car, trying to hurt me. 

The friend I was telling about the dreams was a woman from church who I honestly didn’t know that well but felt I could trust. She said with kindness “Megan, I think these dreams are telling you about a fear you have with women. Do you want to pray about it with me?”. Here’s the truth. As silly as it sounds, I didn’t think I had issues with women. I just thought that was how I was made. It wasn’t as though I had experienced a trauma that led to distrust. It was just how it always was.

I didn’t know what my friend meant by “praying about it with her”, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.  She invited me over to her home and said we would pray and ask Jesus to speak into it. Friends, that was when I paused. Have Jesus speak into it? Huh? The day came when we were scheduled to meet. I had so many reservations. I hadn’t ever had Jesus enter into my prayers. I had serious doubts. What did that mean? What if I couldn’t hear him? What if he didn’t show up? What would this even look like? But I had said yes to my friend and I figured, worst case scenario, we would spend some time in prayer and things would be the same. So really, there wasn’t anything to lose.

When I got to her home, we went to a quiet place and she explained to me that we were simply going to pray. We were going to ask Jesus how he saw the situation with the dreams and what Jesus wanted me to know. She explained what many of you have heard me say, that hearing God and Jesus can often sound like our own thoughts in our minds. How to test what I’m hearing with scripture and the character of God to ensure what I was hearing was from him. Then we entered into prayer. I remember sitting there, my eyes closed, heart beating loudly, still questioning “will I hear his voice?”. My friend led the prayer time. She opened by declaring the truth of scripture, how Jesus said, “my sheep listen to my voice.” (John 10:27).  Then she asked Jesus to speak to me about the dreams. 

In my mind I heard what sounded like my voice or thoughts, but it was an answer to the question. “There is a wound from when you were a child that is at the root of these feelings.” I didn’t know what the wound was but also felt something deep inside that seemed to confirm this was true. She then asked Jesus to show me what the wound was. I was brought to a seemingly benign memory – a time when I was a child and an experience I had. It wasn’t a memory I ever thought about it. If you had asked me to list the painful things that had happened in my life, several others would come to mind that felt far worse. So why this one? 

As my friend led me through the prayer time, it was filled with questions to Jesus and then responses I would hear in my mind. Jesus, what is the memory you want to show her? Then I would see the memory replay in my mind. Jesus, how do you see this memory? Then I would hear Jesus reveal how he saw the memory. Jesus showed me that the memory I had pretty much forgotten was actually a moment that led to a significant wound and a lifetime of distrust. Jesus revealed what I thought was “just how I was made” was actually a response to a wound that had never healed. She then asked “Jesus, what do you want her to know?”. And it was at that moment I was able to hear Jesus speak to my heart of his love for me, how he hurt when I hurt, his desire to take my wound. Was I willing to give it to him? In prayer I did. 

That day, that prayer time, was the beginning of healing and freedom I never knew was possible. It was the beginning of hearing Jesus speak truth into my life, heal wounds I was carrying that were both known and unknown. I have since had Jesus come into many prayer times to bring life changing healing. I don’t use the words life changing lightly. When Jesus takes a wound, he heals it. And when he does, there’s a tangible difference. A weight that is lifted. I felt as though my heart expanded. As though it were now bigger and filled with more love. To have lived a lifetime with distrust and have that removed? To realize that actually wasn’t how I was made and that Jesus had so many beautiful trusting relationships with women in store for me? I never would have believed it was possible. 

Friends, there is so much pain in this world. There are so many wounds we carry around, that we often have carried for so long, we don’t even realize there’s a weight to them. Jesus can and will take those wounds. If you didn’t get a chance to read the last post, I encourage you to read it and try the 10-minute prayer times with him, to spend time with him, to hear his voice. There is hope, healing, freedom, peace that can only come from Jesus. It will change your life in the most beautiful way. I want this for you. Much more important than that, Jesus wants this for you. Jesus loves you more than you can imagine and wants to speak truth over you, speak his love over you, take your pain and bring you healing, peace, joy.

Blessing you with time with Him, encounters with Him, hearing His voice.