Holding on to Hurt

“I’m not ready to forgive.” Have you ever found yourself uttering those words? I certainly have. The other line I’ve used “My emotions aren’t there yet.” Sometimes the pain is so great, so raw, that the idea of forgiving the one who caused the pain, it seems impossible. When my husband decided our marriage was over, I was devastated. We had had a happy marriage for ten years. We’d dated for six years prior to that. If there were signs, I didn’t see them. We didn’t argue. In fact, we had celebrated our ten-year wedding anniversary just about a month before he came to me saying he was unhappy. We had gone out to dinner, given each other new wedding bands, he had sent me a note from work that day saying it was the best 16 years of his life. So when I say I didn’t see the signs, I really didn’t. I can remember sitting on the couch as I listened to him tell me how unhappy he was. I was holding one of our boy’s toys in my hand that had been absently left on the couch. As I heard his words, flipping the toy around in my hand, I remember feeling hurt, angry, confused, scared, betrayed.

The situation got far worse in so many ways. I remember feeling incredibly angry. And underneath that, deep anguish. In the midst of the pain I asked myself “will I ever be able to forgive him?”. The honest answer I had at that time “absolutely not.”. My pain was aimed at the person who caused it. To forgive him felt like it was somehow saying that the pain he caused was ok. In my mind there was a clear right and wrong. I was in the right. He was in the wrong. So no, he didn’t deserve forgiveness. 

That’s where I had it wrong. There were actually three places I had it profoundly wrong. The first was in deciding he didn’t “deserve” forgiveness. Friends, the truth is none of us “deserve” forgiveness. We’re human. We hurt others. We don’t mean to, but the truth is, it happens. When I’ve hurt someone, oh do I want forgiveness and I want it fast. I never want to hurt others. I can’t remember a time I’ve intentionally tried to hurt someone. But the amount of times I’ve unintentionally caused someone pain? When the words come out wrong, when I speak out of anger or frustration, when I get it wrong? Honestly, I don’t want the tally because I’m certain I would be horrified. We forgive others because we’ve been forgiven. Not because of anything we’ve done, but because of Jesus. Jesus stood in the gap for us. We are forgiven because of Him. And because we’ve been forgiven, we need to forgive. (Ephesians 4:32)

The second area I had it wrong was in believing forgiveness was an emotion. It’s not. It’s a decision. We make the decision to forgive and the emotional healing comes after. Forgiveness frees us. When we hold on to pain, anger, resentment, it causes us more pain than if we make the decision to forgive. The Bible shows us that God is judge. He guides us to forgive and to trust him to judge others. (Hebrews 10:30) We are not to hold onto anger or seek revenge. All that does is keep us in a constant state of anger and bitterness. When we decide to forgive, we are giving it to God to handle. In return, he blesses us and takes the anger, the hurt, the frustration. He takes the negative emotions from us and exchanges them for peace and healing. 

In my life I’ve experienced God prove himself faithful in this time and time again. I’ve learned now, to declare forgiveness, in the midst of a battle. I’ll give a tangible example from this week. I was in an argument with my teenage son. I was angry. He was being disrespectful and unkind. And oh was I mad. As I’m talking to him and feeling my anger rise, in my mind I declared “I forgive him.” I want to highlight I did not say it out loud to my son. It was a declaration to God and was said in my mind. And in that very moment, my anger went from a 10 to 7. It allowed the pressure to reduce enough to keep me from saying something I would later regret. Granted, compared to deep wounds, that was an easy situation to declare forgiveness. Let’s go back to the deep wound that was much harder for me to forgive.

In situations where the pain is incredibly deep, declaring forgiveness and feeling the emotional healing, that may take time. In the beginning, when I declared forgiveness of my ex-husband, my tone was similar to a child being forced to give an apology to a sibling. Arms crossed, anger, I imagine written all over my face, and the words so hard to declare. “I forgive him.” I said the words but I’ll be honest, it was hard. What I had come to realize was holding on to my hurt and anger, it wasn’t causing him any pain. I wasn’t gaining anything by it. In fact it was the opposite. It was causing me to stay in the wound, reliving the hurt and anger on a daily basis. So each day I would declare it again. “I forgive him.” I did this day, after day, after day, until one day, I was surprised to find there was a feeling of peace when I said it. A gentleness. My emotions had caught up with the decision. Sometimes, depending on the wound, even declaring forgiveness can feel like too big of a step. If that’s you, I encourage you to consider being willing to be willing to forgive. Perhaps that’s a step you can take? Where each day you declare “I’m willing to be willing to forgive ___.” God will meet you in that place. There will be a day the declaration moves to “I forgive ___.” And over time, you’ll find the declaration and the emotions are one.  

The last area I had it wrong was thinking that forgiveness means reconciliation. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean the relationship is a healthy one for you or that it should be restored. There are many that it does and a few where that might not be the case. Some relationships aren’t safe for us. Does God want us to forgive everyone? Yes. Forgiveness is a decision you’re making. Reconciliation is the restoration of that relationship and that is something different. If there’s someone in your life that continually hurts you emotionally, I encourage you to seek counsel - a trusted friend, a counselor, seeking God in prayer, to determine if the relationship is one that should be restored or if boundaries are needed.  

Friends, I find myself forgiving people daily. The fault is my own. As humans we are so quick to take offense. Each night as I spend time with God, I’ll ask Him “Is there anyone I need to forgive?” 9.5 times out of 10 he’ll bring someone to mind. It will usually be someone I hadn’t even thought of and likely didn’t speak to that day. So why does God bring it to mind? Because he knows that if somehow they’ve hurt me, in even the smallest of ways, or if I’m holding on to offense that I may not even be aware of, he wants to take that from me. He wants to free me from that emotion, knowing it can and will harm me if I hold on to it. So I forgive. And I ask God for forgiveness. I encourage you, right at this moment, to pause and ask the following question:

“Is there anyone I need to forgive?”

If someone comes to mind, I encourage you to declare forgiveness. Say in your mind or out loud “I forgive ____.” If the wound is too great and the step is too much, I encourage you to declare “I am willing to be willing to forgive ____.”

If you’re willing, I encourage you to do this daily until the declaration and emotions are one. If we can be praying for you as you take this courageous and beautiful step to healing, please reach out to us here.

Blessing you with peace, joy, forgiveness and healing.